Sleep

I love to sleep. A lot.

I like to sleep because:

• My bed is ever so comfortable, warm the sheets are soooo soft
• I am a very active dreamer and I remember a lot of my dreams.
• I get good ideas and happy thoughts in my dreams.
• I almost always feel better when I wake up than when I went to bed
• No one bothers me when I am sleeping

I sleep a lot when I am stressed or worried about something. When something very stressful happens in my life, like at work, I can almost feel my "tiredness" descend on me like a blanket. And I start to have wishful thoughts about going to bed, and taking off my clothes, and going to sleep. By the time I get home on one of those days, I can barely keep my eyes open and I can fall asleep within minutes of laying down. I know this is a learned behavior.

When something REALLY stressful happens over a long period of time, and not just a bad day, I practically live in my bed. I can get up and go work (sometimes) and do minimal stuff that I need to, but if I am not forced to be somewhere, I am in bed, either trying to fall asleep or fast asleep. I can sleep for entire weekends. The longest period of time I did not get out of bed except to eat and go to the bathroom was 6 days. It was a long, long time even for me. My back hurt from laying down so much. I had just moved to DC, and I was very lonely and worried. The entire city stressed me out. And I had several days off for the move, and a three day weekend all in a row. So once I got the bed installed, I crawled into it and didn't get out, answer the phone or e-mail for SIX DAYS! Nick, my roommate now, but just my neighbor then, pounded on my door until I answered it. He made me get showered and come down for a video and a glass of wine.

This is not a new thing for me. I slept a lot as a child. My mother said I slept through the night very early on as an infant. And I always slept 8-10 hours as a child. By the time I was a teenager, I could easily sleep 12 hours + a night.

I thought of this today because I noticed that now that work is heating up a little, and my boss is expecting me to take a leadership role, I am falling asleep right when I get home. And sleeping most of the night. I did this Monday night, and last night. I am going to try not to do this tonight.


We'll see.

Note to ALL Men on Internet Dating Sites

Please, for the love of God, please stop:

1. Stating somewhere in the first message to me that you like sex...or "intimacy" or "alone time" or any other euphemism for getting laid. Really? Men like sex? I had no idea! I think I know that little fact, and you making it one of the first things you tell me is really tacky.

2. Sending WAY TOO much information too early...and then expecting me to remember it later. Seriously, I do not need to know about your favorite sports team, how you like to watch movies and eat pizza (duh) and that you drive a red Ford Bronco. Just give me some high points, and then let's meet and talk.

3. Lying about all the gym time you log in. Most of you are a little chunky...(arn't we all?) and I find it very hard to believe you are really spending 4 days week, two hours a night lifting those ole weights. I'm just saying you don't need to lie about that-- I couldn't care less.

4. Talking about your Ex. I am not interested. Really. I will figure out what is wrong with you soon enough on my own. (Only exception to this is if she lives in the same area and you think she might be crazy homicidal and even then on a need to know basis only)

Is this too much to ask?

2010 is Starting Out with a BANG! (Profanity--kiddies beware)

I am trying to be calm and cool about this, but I actually had my very first COMMENT on my blog. (Thank you, Sarah P.) I never really expected to get any comments, because I don't write this blog to be funny, or to become famous. I write this blog for me. You see, I have a very bad habit of re-writing history. I am the eternal optimist, and for some reason, my brain goes back and paints the past with a rosy pink hue. When I think back on my life, I do not remember any of the bad...and I only remember the good. This may sound like a good thing. And sometimes it is. But it also makes it very difficult to not keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This blog (and the other one I kept for three years prior to this one) are to make sure if I need to know the truth about the past, I have a place I can come and read about it. But it was pretty cool to get a nice, comforting comment.

2010 is starting off a little dicey, if you must know the truth.

First fun thing: I celebrated the new years in Times Square and saw the ball drop. Very cool. Had fun. Got a great hotel room at a great price. Bus trip was easy. It was cold and rainy, but I survived. Glad I experienced it once in my life, but not going to do it again.

First Not So Fun Thing: Since early December, I was dating Michael the Mess. (Quick review: 42, single-never married- 1 year old baby with the ex-girlfriend who wouldnt let him see baby-living on brother's couch-working as a bouncer at a bar-but extremely hot and good in bed) On Saturday, I invited him to go out and do something fun. He said he would call me by 10am...call came in at 11am. He said he was busy with stuff with his brother and SIL, and would call me when it was through. 11am became 3pm...he called again and said he didn't know when he could be at my place. So I took a long hot bath and in the middle of it, called me to say "I am here at your apartment" WTF? Where was my "I am on my way" phone call? I threw on some clothes and went down to get him. He didn't greet me with an embrace. He seemed really off somehow. I leaned in to get a hug (but really to smell him) and he didn't smell like alcohol...but he always says he has a sore throat and sucks on cough drops all the time (this is a trick that alcoholics use to try to cover their drinking) so who in the hell knows? He was wound up...I could feel the negative energy. He sat on the very end of my bed, and didn't move. For FOUR HOURS he sat there. I tried to get him to come up with me and cuddle, or at least act like he was here to see me, and he declined every time. Said he was hungry, insisted on getting Subway across the street, and then when he returned with sandwiches for both of us, didn't want to eat. Corrected me a few times, made negative comments about my cursing...(I think I said shit or something) and when I tried to be cute and poked him with my finger to get his attention, he said "Hitters raise hitters you know" (WTF? My kids are raised, ass hole) After two movies, he still was sitting at the edge of the bed, far away. So I offered to find another movie we could watch. He said "You didn't make the popcorn you promised..." and then launched into his incredibly boring, self centered monologue about how he likes his popcorn, and how people stare at the bag of popcorn dripping with butter...blah blah blah... I guess my face was not registering the expected level of awe he desired. He said "I hate it when you give me that blank face. I really hate it that I can't read your expression" and for some reason, this really hit me wrong. I mean, come on! He arrives later than expected, doesn't want to go out like I requested, and then sits on the end of my bed, without any contact or greeting, and watches two moves that HE likes for 4 hours, won't eat dinner with me at the same time as I eat my weak-ass sandwich, and THEN he has the nerve to tell me that HE DOESN'T LIKE MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS????

So I lost it. Totally lost it. Started yelling at him. "Oh, you don't like MY facial expressions? You can't tell what I am thinking? Well let me illuminate you, asshole. I think you are a selfish prick. You have been here over four hours...and what do you do? Do you sit with me? Hold my hand? Even look in my direction? NO! You sit on the end of my bed, ignoring me completely. You tell me you are starving, and insist that we eat Subway, and then you come back with the sandwiches and tell me YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY? And you wait almost exactly when I finish my sandwich to go get yours. Are you a NUT CASE? I think you are. I am tired of you not listening to me, not even caring about my feelings. Do you really think anyone cares about how sad you are all the time? Do you even know what my middle name is? I bet you don't you self centered asshole. Oh, yes...and you don't like me cussing? Well go fuck yourself, you fucking douche bag...I will say anything I fucking like, you god-damned mother fucker. I think it is time for you to go...get your shit and get out." He said "I don't think this has to do with me...something else is triggering this. You are way too angry for this to be about me." I just looked at him for a moment and said "Don't pull your psycho-babble bullshit on me. I don't have an anger problem...I have a Michael problem. And this problem will be solved in about five minutes." He didn't seem like he was listening, still, so I started to grab his backpack...when he finally understood. And he grabbed his stuff (or most of it) and headed for the door.

Nick, my roommate, who heard the commotion, was standing in his open door when we walked out of my room. I really appreciated his big, male presence. He was, however, smiling when he left. Nick never did like Michael.

After I made sure Michael was gone for good, I re-entered the apartment. Nick was waiting for me with shot glasses and Bubble liquour. "We need to toast Michael's departure" he said.

What a great roomie! I am a lucky girl.

2010...I'm Freaking Out, Man!

I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.

I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.

Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?

This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)

GREAT Things:

I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday

Not So Great Things:

I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself

Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!

Where in the **Bleep** Did December go?

I think I fell in a hole or something. Because the last time I checked, it was the beginning of the month. And now, it is Christmas eve.

Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:

Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.

Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.

Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.

This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?

1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.

2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning

3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...

4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.

I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.

A Very Good Time

Last night, I had a very surprisingly great date with Michael. Michael is the guy I met at the Front Page bar when I was on the date with Anthony and I asked for his number. (Yes I was very bold, but he really was cute and I couldn't stop myself.) Told him he was "adorable". He seemed happily surprised and flattered, and gave me his number and took mine. That next day he called me, and we chatted about each other's lives. My assessment was that he was in a huge transition phase (ended a relationship 11 months ago, but she just had his one and only baby 12 months ago) and he is heartbroken to be away from his child. No car...no discernable life accomplishments. He is living in his brother's house, and working two okay jobs.) All of this smelled like trouble to me, so I told him let's just be friends, no pressure. He said he understood.

So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.

I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.

I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.

I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.

New TV and Living with Nick...

Okay. It is official. I am part of the HDTV clan now. I finally broke down and bought myself not one, but two LCD TV's for my apartment.

Make: Apex

Model: 32" and 40" models...(not sure of number)

Place of Purchase: Target

Cost: 32" = $279.00 40" = $445.00 on Black Friday.

I really liked the 40" I bought last week, and Nick called me tonight with the news of a clearance sale on the last two 32" models. So I snapped it up. Now I will have good TV in the bedroom too! Hooray for me.

Because there are times in my life living with Nick that sitting in the living room area is not preferable. When is that, you ask? Well....

My Roommate Nick is gay. Actively gay...with the emphasis on active. And he is extremely open with me about his world, his love life and the LGBT community..(or at least the part he lives in...LOL) And it has been a fascinating, amusing and down right odd experience.

In order to get the full picture, you need to know a few things about gay men because many heterosexuals (or breeders, as they call us) think that there is only two kinds of gay men...the "man" gay and the "woman" gay. There are many different types and sub types of gay men...truly a full color of the rainbow. Just like in the hetero-world. First, there are three basic categories...Top, bottoms or Versatiles. You can read more about this in Scientific America article here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles Nick is a TOP with all capitals. And then within these three basic categories, there are the different sort of lifestyles...there are Bears, cubs, twinks, otters, leather boys, etc. and within those categories are the different race and culture groups. Yes, there is much to choose from. I have often teased Nick and told him that I if I die and am reincarnated, I want to come back as a gay male. They seem to have all the breaks. They usually have a higher income, are better educated and don't have to worry about pesky children getting in their way. And they get WAY MORE sex than the rest of us...trust me.

Anyway, Nick is a Dominant Top, with a love for leather, but refuses to call himself a bear or a cub. He prefers small latin bottom men, but occasionally strays from his type. In regards to Nick's appearance, it is not always apparent to others that he is gay. He is tall (6 feet tall) and large (size 38 pants...32 inseam) weight about 240 pounds. He has thinning brown hair, so he shaves his head most of the time completely bald. He has a dark brown goatee and mustache combo. He has piercing blue eyes that are icy blue instead of baby blue. Women are constantly attracted to him...he has a rugged large man look with the cleanliness and excellent fashion sense from being gay. According to Nick, he is not considered good looking in his world. Gay men, for the most part, like thin men, preferably athlethically trim or muscled. Fat gay men have a hard time. And it appears to be a young world (isn't it always?) and older gay men are not thought of highly. And Nick is pushing 30, with is almost ancient to him.

But still, Nick is a busy boy. Nick has his "visitors" 2 or 3 times a week, on average. (It is difficult for me to say exactly, because he works nights and I work days during the week...he may have more visitors when I am work and I would not know it) Most of the time, the visitors stay less than an hour. And many of them arrive and leave nameless to me...just a text line on my telephone "I have a visitor coming over in 30 minutes" and then "The visitors left". This is one thing I have insisted on...I must know if there is a stranger in my apartment. Even if I am sleeping, I want the page so I don't get startled or upset if I get up to get something to drink. And the few times I have had a "visitor" I give him the same courtesy. In the 9 months we have lived together, I would imagine about a 100 men have visited Nick. Wow. I just figured that out and wrote than here, and it still looks shocking to me. ONE HUNDRED. Holy Shit.

Anyways, sometimes it is just plain awkward to be sitting in my recliner in the living room, watching TV and knitting, when one of these short timer visitors arrive. The few times I stayed out there, it is almost funny to see the look on their face when they walk by and see "Mom" sitting there staring at them. I smile and say hello, and Nick always tells them who I am (This is my roommate) but doesn't always tell me who they are. I find out later that it is because he doesn't know their name either. They walk into Nick's room, and shut the door. A moment later I hear the Nick's music come on sort of loud (usually electronic dance music...his favorite CD to play during those moments is Chilling at the Playboy Mansion, which makes me laugh out loud to think of the irony) and then I ignore the situation, and continue to watch my show. In a shockingly short period of time, his door opens, and Nick exits first. A few moments later, the younger gentleman exits, head down, not making eye contact for his walk of shame...LOL. Somewhat amusing for me, but also sort of awkward. So if I can, I usually head for my room if I get the page when I am home.

Occasionally, Nick has "boyfriends" or real what I would call dates. These are nice young men who all seem so quiet who Nick invites over to watch a DVD or to listen to music. These dates are much longer, most of an afternoon or sometimes overnight. Nick never entertains in the main living area. Only once, when he had a longer relationship with a man named JoJo did he bring JoJo out of the bedroom and allow him to interact with me. That was nice, actually. I liked getting to know JoJo. But I missed him when Nick broke up with him. So maybe it is best if I don't get attached.

All of this is the reason why I am glad to have a better TV in my room. As you can see, I need it.