2010...I'm Freaking Out, Man!

I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.

I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.

Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?

This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)

GREAT Things:

I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday

Not So Great Things:

I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself

Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!

Not Getting What I Want

For most of my life, I have been able to get what I want. If I wanted to go on a vacation, I saved the money and scheduled the time off, and went. If I wanted an expensive purse, I purchased it. When I wanted to buy my first house, I worked on all the things I needed to do to get that house, and I got it. When I wanted my first child, I got her. When I wanted to be the Chief at my job, I worked very hard and I got the job. There have been very few things in my life that I wanted that I didn't get. I guess you could call me spoiled, or lucky or a combination.

In the last year, I have not been feeling so lucky or spoiled. Things are not coming so easy, and some of the things I want appear to be much harder to get. I am not miserable or tortured in anyway, but I am not satisified. And I think it is because I have stopped working hard to get them.

Here is what I want:

I want a man in my life. I don't necessarily need to be married, but I want to have a companion and life partner. Someone I can love and who can love me. This not having sex is not cutting it.

Thinking logically, why do I not have what I want?

Why I don't have a man:

1. I am 45 and very overweight. I do not show well for dating. There are not as many single 40 somethings out there, and if they are half way decent, they want younger women or women my age who look prettier than I look.

2. I have very bad knees. It makes me limp and walk funny. It makes me not very active and not willing to go walking or do fun stuff like that. It does not make me a fun date.

3. I surrounded myself with women friends and gay men. Not a lot of contact with 40 something single men. Hard to meet people if you don't get out there.

How do Fix these Items so I get what I want?

1. Lose weight. Eat less. Do whatever you can to make yourself prettier. Stop overeating because you are lonely and miserable or you will alwasy be lonely and miserable. Stop telling yourself that "someone" will love you in your condition. Hell, you don't even like the way you look so why should someone else? STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND GET IT DONE!

2. Have the Knee Surgery already! You have made the surgical appointment---now follow through as fast as possible. GET IT DONE!

3. Keep the friends and the gay men for now. You are going to need company while you lose weight and get your knees fixed. But when you are ready--- Put yourself out there and meet people.

Okay. I feel a little better. Sometimes I have to kick my own ass. I have about 6 months from now before I have the surgery and am able to be recovered. That is enough time to lose a bunch of weight.

FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!