I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.
I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.
Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?
This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)
GREAT Things:
I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday
Not So Great Things:
I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself
Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Where in the **Bleep** Did December go?
I think I fell in a hole or something. Because the last time I checked, it was the beginning of the month. And now, it is Christmas eve.
Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:
Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.
Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.
Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.
This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?
1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.
2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning
3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...
4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.
I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.
Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:
Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.
Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.
Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.
This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?
1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.
2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning
3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...
4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.
I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Very Good Time
Last night, I had a very surprisingly great date with Michael. Michael is the guy I met at the Front Page bar when I was on the date with Anthony and I asked for his number. (Yes I was very bold, but he really was cute and I couldn't stop myself.) Told him he was "adorable". He seemed happily surprised and flattered, and gave me his number and took mine. That next day he called me, and we chatted about each other's lives. My assessment was that he was in a huge transition phase (ended a relationship 11 months ago, but she just had his one and only baby 12 months ago) and he is heartbroken to be away from his child. No car...no discernable life accomplishments. He is living in his brother's house, and working two okay jobs.) All of this smelled like trouble to me, so I told him let's just be friends, no pressure. He said he understood.
So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.
I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.
I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.
I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.
So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.
I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.
I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.
I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
New TV and Living with Nick...
Okay. It is official. I am part of the HDTV clan now. I finally broke down and bought myself not one, but two LCD TV's for my apartment.
Make: Apex
Model: 32" and 40" models...(not sure of number)
Place of Purchase: Target
Cost: 32" = $279.00 40" = $445.00 on Black Friday.
I really liked the 40" I bought last week, and Nick called me tonight with the news of a clearance sale on the last two 32" models. So I snapped it up. Now I will have good TV in the bedroom too! Hooray for me.
Because there are times in my life living with Nick that sitting in the living room area is not preferable. When is that, you ask? Well....
My Roommate Nick is gay. Actively gay...with the emphasis on active. And he is extremely open with me about his world, his love life and the LGBT community..(or at least the part he lives in...LOL) And it has been a fascinating, amusing and down right odd experience.
In order to get the full picture, you need to know a few things about gay men because many heterosexuals (or breeders, as they call us) think that there is only two kinds of gay men...the "man" gay and the "woman" gay. There are many different types and sub types of gay men...truly a full color of the rainbow. Just like in the hetero-world. First, there are three basic categories...Top, bottoms or Versatiles. You can read more about this in Scientific America article here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles Nick is a TOP with all capitals. And then within these three basic categories, there are the different sort of lifestyles...there are Bears, cubs, twinks, otters, leather boys, etc. and within those categories are the different race and culture groups. Yes, there is much to choose from. I have often teased Nick and told him that I if I die and am reincarnated, I want to come back as a gay male. They seem to have all the breaks. They usually have a higher income, are better educated and don't have to worry about pesky children getting in their way. And they get WAY MORE sex than the rest of us...trust me.
Anyway, Nick is a Dominant Top, with a love for leather, but refuses to call himself a bear or a cub. He prefers small latin bottom men, but occasionally strays from his type. In regards to Nick's appearance, it is not always apparent to others that he is gay. He is tall (6 feet tall) and large (size 38 pants...32 inseam) weight about 240 pounds. He has thinning brown hair, so he shaves his head most of the time completely bald. He has a dark brown goatee and mustache combo. He has piercing blue eyes that are icy blue instead of baby blue. Women are constantly attracted to him...he has a rugged large man look with the cleanliness and excellent fashion sense from being gay. According to Nick, he is not considered good looking in his world. Gay men, for the most part, like thin men, preferably athlethically trim or muscled. Fat gay men have a hard time. And it appears to be a young world (isn't it always?) and older gay men are not thought of highly. And Nick is pushing 30, with is almost ancient to him.
But still, Nick is a busy boy. Nick has his "visitors" 2 or 3 times a week, on average. (It is difficult for me to say exactly, because he works nights and I work days during the week...he may have more visitors when I am work and I would not know it) Most of the time, the visitors stay less than an hour. And many of them arrive and leave nameless to me...just a text line on my telephone "I have a visitor coming over in 30 minutes" and then "The visitors left". This is one thing I have insisted on...I must know if there is a stranger in my apartment. Even if I am sleeping, I want the page so I don't get startled or upset if I get up to get something to drink. And the few times I have had a "visitor" I give him the same courtesy. In the 9 months we have lived together, I would imagine about a 100 men have visited Nick. Wow. I just figured that out and wrote than here, and it still looks shocking to me. ONE HUNDRED. Holy Shit.
Anyways, sometimes it is just plain awkward to be sitting in my recliner in the living room, watching TV and knitting, when one of these short timer visitors arrive. The few times I stayed out there, it is almost funny to see the look on their face when they walk by and see "Mom" sitting there staring at them. I smile and say hello, and Nick always tells them who I am (This is my roommate) but doesn't always tell me who they are. I find out later that it is because he doesn't know their name either. They walk into Nick's room, and shut the door. A moment later I hear the Nick's music come on sort of loud (usually electronic dance music...his favorite CD to play during those moments is Chilling at the Playboy Mansion, which makes me laugh out loud to think of the irony) and then I ignore the situation, and continue to watch my show. In a shockingly short period of time, his door opens, and Nick exits first. A few moments later, the younger gentleman exits, head down, not making eye contact for his walk of shame...LOL. Somewhat amusing for me, but also sort of awkward. So if I can, I usually head for my room if I get the page when I am home.
Occasionally, Nick has "boyfriends" or real what I would call dates. These are nice young men who all seem so quiet who Nick invites over to watch a DVD or to listen to music. These dates are much longer, most of an afternoon or sometimes overnight. Nick never entertains in the main living area. Only once, when he had a longer relationship with a man named JoJo did he bring JoJo out of the bedroom and allow him to interact with me. That was nice, actually. I liked getting to know JoJo. But I missed him when Nick broke up with him. So maybe it is best if I don't get attached.
All of this is the reason why I am glad to have a better TV in my room. As you can see, I need it.
Monday, November 30, 2009
One Crappy Holiday Down, One Horrible Holiday to Go
Read the title? Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I hate that I feel that way. I keep verbalizing how wonderful it is to be able to choose your own holiday experience, and now that I am unencumbered by family obligations, I can have the holiday of my dreams.
But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.
Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.
And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.
Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.
The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.
So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)
We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.
So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.
Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.
Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)
I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.
Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.
Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.
I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.
Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.
Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.
So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.
What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???
But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.
Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.
And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.
Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.
The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.
So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)
We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.
So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.
Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.
Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)
I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.
Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.
Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.
I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.
Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.
Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.
So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.
What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thanksgiving Eve 2009
It is the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving…and it is the afternoon here at the office. Everyone is starting to pack up and go home…but I am the acting Chief and must stay until at least 4:30. Not a bad deal. They take care of me here, and it is the least that I can do.
The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)
Thankful For:
My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
FaceBook
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom
UnThankful For
My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is
The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:
Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating
Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.
Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!
I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.
Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.
The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)
Thankful For:
My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom
UnThankful For
My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is
The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:
Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating
Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.
Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!
I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.
Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Meh.
Crampy. Crabby. Sleepy. All I can think about is going home, taking a hot bath, and crawling into bed to sleep. But I know I wont sleep because my back or knees will hurt...So I will stay living instead. Which is best.
Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.
About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...
And tonight, I meet Rick.
Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.
About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...
And tonight, I meet Rick.
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