I am on a freight train, heading 100 MPH towards the cliff.
Why is time moving so quickly?
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Locked in a Room with Myself
So I have been basically home alone in my room for about a week. The snowstorms here in DC have made the government shut down and the roads hard to navigate.
It's not so bad. The first few days were really hard. I cried some...felt horrible the rest of the time. But now on day 7...I am doing pretty good.
I still really like being with people still. And I miss being friends with Nick. But I think the party is over. And it's time for me to pay the bill.
It's not so bad. The first few days were really hard. I cried some...felt horrible the rest of the time. But now on day 7...I am doing pretty good.
I still really like being with people still. And I miss being friends with Nick. But I think the party is over. And it's time for me to pay the bill.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Pre-surgery Jitters
I am having anxiety about this surgery and I need to get my head around it fast. Looking for a guided imagery meditation that I can do to get my mind and body in sync and ready for this important life step.
I am going to imagine the following every time I get stressed about this surgery:
You are in strong and capable hands. Imagine the large, strong hands of the maker massaging my knees..rubbing them firmly, the warmth of the hands penetrating the bones. The massaging is making me sleepy and I fall into a deep sleep. The maker's hands turns the knee bones into clay, and begins to reshape them. First, he replaces the knee cap with a stronger one. Then he replaces the missing cartilage...ensuring it will rub smoothly.
Imagine myself waking up, and understanding that this new knee is stiff because it has never been moved. But the knee WILL move..slowly and over time. No need for frustration. Time and effort will work. That is the design. I am imaging the swelling is a sign that my body is getting used to the new knee...and as I drink water and walk as instructed, the water is slowly working itself out and the swelling will go down.
I know that I am making the right choice. I am confident in the skill of my physician. I will rely on the help and guidance of my mother, who will be beside me.
I am going to imagine the following every time I get stressed about this surgery:
You are in strong and capable hands. Imagine the large, strong hands of the maker massaging my knees..rubbing them firmly, the warmth of the hands penetrating the bones. The massaging is making me sleepy and I fall into a deep sleep. The maker's hands turns the knee bones into clay, and begins to reshape them. First, he replaces the knee cap with a stronger one. Then he replaces the missing cartilage...ensuring it will rub smoothly.
Imagine myself waking up, and understanding that this new knee is stiff because it has never been moved. But the knee WILL move..slowly and over time. No need for frustration. Time and effort will work. That is the design. I am imaging the swelling is a sign that my body is getting used to the new knee...and as I drink water and walk as instructed, the water is slowly working itself out and the swelling will go down.
I know that I am making the right choice. I am confident in the skill of my physician. I will rely on the help and guidance of my mother, who will be beside me.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
...And the Call Was COMING FROM THE HOUSE!!
You remember those 1980's Horror Movies...where the poor girl is receiving scary phone calls for a while, threatening to come and hurt her, and then finally,she looks down, sees the red light on the 2nd line in the house, and realizes that the CALL IS COMING FROM THE HOUSE!!!
That is how I feel about the upcoming surgery date...the scariness is approaching...and very soon, the call is going to come and I won't be able to GET AWAY!
I have ordered the shower seat, the hand held shower nozzle and the elevated toilet seat...(yes, folks...we are turning my beautiful, trendy apartment into a fucking nursing home!)
I am reading all the information I can, and am getting a grip on reality.
And whenever I think about it, my hearts beats a little fast.
That is how I feel about the upcoming surgery date...the scariness is approaching...and very soon, the call is going to come and I won't be able to GET AWAY!
I have ordered the shower seat, the hand held shower nozzle and the elevated toilet seat...(yes, folks...we are turning my beautiful, trendy apartment into a fucking nursing home!)
I am reading all the information I can, and am getting a grip on reality.
And whenever I think about it, my hearts beats a little fast.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Affairs of the Heart
Shit. I love him. Still...even more than before. I love his sense of humor, his hands and his silly tattoos. I love his exuberant laugh. I love how he takes care of his life and the things he needs to do. His love of greeting cards and chicken nuggets make me smile. His smell makes me light headed. Sometimes when he is not home I press his shirt that he leaves on his chair against my face and I inhale deeply...and it makes me feel so at peace and happy. When we sit in the same room, and do our own thing, and every once in a while one of us laughs, and we share a thought I am totally happy. He shares with me his private feelings and fears without reservation. And I do the same with him. He listens to me and remembers the things I say. He brings me home little things he knows I needs. He cares about my happiness. He is not afraid to disagree with me. He takes charge and thrills me.
I need to stop loving him. I need to stop looking forward to spending any moment I can scrounge with him. I need to get it through my thick skull that he will NEVER love me the way I love him. He will NEVER be mine. Ever. Ever. Ever. And that the more time I spend with him reduces my chance at meeting a nice man who will be my partner in life. But deep down, I don't want another partner. I want him.
And that is the truth. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I love him with all my heart.
I am so screwed.
I need to stop loving him. I need to stop looking forward to spending any moment I can scrounge with him. I need to get it through my thick skull that he will NEVER love me the way I love him. He will NEVER be mine. Ever. Ever. Ever. And that the more time I spend with him reduces my chance at meeting a nice man who will be my partner in life. But deep down, I don't want another partner. I want him.
And that is the truth. He is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I love him with all my heart.
I am so screwed.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
ANOTHER Reason to Date Rich Men
The Sunday Times Online article "Why women have better sex with rich men" reports that
women’s sexual pleasure is directly linked to their partner’s wealth, says new research.
(Hmmm..do you think this research was funded by a rich man?)
“We found that increasing partner income had a highly positive effect on women’s self-reported frequency of orgasm. More desirable mates cause women to experience more orgasms.”
As if I needed another reason to date a rich man!
The article goes on to say that they think there may be an evolutionary reason why women are more sexually satisfied by a rich man than a poor man. That knowing offsprings who may generate from the sexual activity will be well cared for allows you not to have any worries about the act itself.
I think that is crock of shit. I think rich men are more confident and they express themselves in different ways than poor bastards. I think they dress better, smell better and act better. And eating at better restaurants is a much better aphrodisiac than McDonalds!
I am convinced...dating a rich man is a good deal all around. Hmm...perhaps I can go to a popular DC rich guy hangout here and slip him a roofie?
women’s sexual pleasure is directly linked to their partner’s wealth, says new research.
(Hmmm..do you think this research was funded by a rich man?)
“We found that increasing partner income had a highly positive effect on women’s self-reported frequency of orgasm. More desirable mates cause women to experience more orgasms.”
As if I needed another reason to date a rich man!
The article goes on to say that they think there may be an evolutionary reason why women are more sexually satisfied by a rich man than a poor man. That knowing offsprings who may generate from the sexual activity will be well cared for allows you not to have any worries about the act itself.
I think that is crock of shit. I think rich men are more confident and they express themselves in different ways than poor bastards. I think they dress better, smell better and act better. And eating at better restaurants is a much better aphrodisiac than McDonalds!
I am convinced...dating a rich man is a good deal all around. Hmm...perhaps I can go to a popular DC rich guy hangout here and slip him a roofie?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I got nothing
Not feeling particularly entertaining today or introspective. I feel odd and out of sorts to be honest. Face feels hot, but body is fine. Nose is dripping, but nothing horrible. I just feel disquieted...(good word!) And tired. Still so very tired like all I want to do it sleep.
Spoke to Dad today...and and his wife are in Las Vegas for her birthday and their 5 year anniversary. Dad is soon to be 67 and wife is 46. (yes, he is 21 years OLDER than she is). Dad is very young at heart, and always has been. He was a hottie (is that wrong to call your dad a hottie?) for years and years, and now he is still an attractive man for his age. His wife, Lou, is a normal 40 something year old woman who has never had any children of her own. And they won't have any either together, I imagine. Sometimes I think about what she gave up to be with my dad. She really loves him...and he really loves her. Nice to see. Anyway, Lou has been diagnosed with ulcers. She is a real worry wart, and Dad thinks that she has worried her way to ulcers...and that gets me thinking. What is the correlation between worrying and being an anxious person and getting an ulcer? Maybe the relationship is inverted...and that you are born with the body that makes ulcers (even if it is not evident) and there is something about how that feels inside that makes you feel anxious? Hmmm...I feel a google search coming on.
Need a plan for this weekend or I am going to sleep my three day weekend away.
Spoke to Dad today...and and his wife are in Las Vegas for her birthday and their 5 year anniversary. Dad is soon to be 67 and wife is 46. (yes, he is 21 years OLDER than she is). Dad is very young at heart, and always has been. He was a hottie (is that wrong to call your dad a hottie?) for years and years, and now he is still an attractive man for his age. His wife, Lou, is a normal 40 something year old woman who has never had any children of her own. And they won't have any either together, I imagine. Sometimes I think about what she gave up to be with my dad. She really loves him...and he really loves her. Nice to see. Anyway, Lou has been diagnosed with ulcers. She is a real worry wart, and Dad thinks that she has worried her way to ulcers...and that gets me thinking. What is the correlation between worrying and being an anxious person and getting an ulcer? Maybe the relationship is inverted...and that you are born with the body that makes ulcers (even if it is not evident) and there is something about how that feels inside that makes you feel anxious? Hmmm...I feel a google search coming on.
Need a plan for this weekend or I am going to sleep my three day weekend away.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Sleep
I love to sleep. A lot.
I like to sleep because:
When something REALLY stressful happens over a long period of time, and not just a bad day, I practically live in my bed. I can get up and go work (sometimes) and do minimal stuff that I need to, but if I am not forced to be somewhere, I am in bed, either trying to fall asleep or fast asleep. I can sleep for entire weekends. The longest period of time I did not get out of bed except to eat and go to the bathroom was 6 days. It was a long, long time even for me. My back hurt from laying down so much. I had just moved to DC, and I was very lonely and worried. The entire city stressed me out. And I had several days off for the move, and a three day weekend all in a row. So once I got the bed installed, I crawled into it and didn't get out, answer the phone or e-mail for SIX DAYS! Nick, my roommate now, but just my neighbor then, pounded on my door until I answered it. He made me get showered and come down for a video and a glass of wine.
This is not a new thing for me. I slept a lot as a child. My mother said I slept through the night very early on as an infant. And I always slept 8-10 hours as a child. By the time I was a teenager, I could easily sleep 12 hours + a night.
I thought of this today because I noticed that now that work is heating up a little, and my boss is expecting me to take a leadership role, I am falling asleep right when I get home. And sleeping most of the night. I did this Monday night, and last night. I am going to try not to do this tonight.
We'll see.
I like to sleep because:
- My bed is ever so comfortable, warm the sheets are soooo soft
- I am a very active dreamer and I remember a lot of my dreams.
- I get good ideas and happy thoughts in my dreams.
- I almost always feel better when I wake up than when I went to bed
- No one bothers me when I am sleeping
When something REALLY stressful happens over a long period of time, and not just a bad day, I practically live in my bed. I can get up and go work (sometimes) and do minimal stuff that I need to, but if I am not forced to be somewhere, I am in bed, either trying to fall asleep or fast asleep. I can sleep for entire weekends. The longest period of time I did not get out of bed except to eat and go to the bathroom was 6 days. It was a long, long time even for me. My back hurt from laying down so much. I had just moved to DC, and I was very lonely and worried. The entire city stressed me out. And I had several days off for the move, and a three day weekend all in a row. So once I got the bed installed, I crawled into it and didn't get out, answer the phone or e-mail for SIX DAYS! Nick, my roommate now, but just my neighbor then, pounded on my door until I answered it. He made me get showered and come down for a video and a glass of wine.
This is not a new thing for me. I slept a lot as a child. My mother said I slept through the night very early on as an infant. And I always slept 8-10 hours as a child. By the time I was a teenager, I could easily sleep 12 hours + a night.
I thought of this today because I noticed that now that work is heating up a little, and my boss is expecting me to take a leadership role, I am falling asleep right when I get home. And sleeping most of the night. I did this Monday night, and last night. I am going to try not to do this tonight.
We'll see.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Note to ALL Men on Internet Dating Sites
Please, for the love of God, please stop:
1. Stating somewhere in the first message to me that you like sex...or "intimacy" or "alone time" or any other euphemism for getting laid. Really? Men like sex? I had no idea! I think I know that little fact, and you making it one of the first things you tell me is really tacky.
2. Sending WAY TOO much information too early...and then expecting me to remember it later. Seriously, I do not need to know about your favorite sports team, how you like to watch movies and eat pizza (duh) and that you drive a red Ford Bronco. Just give me some high points, and then let's meet and talk.
3. Lying about all the gym time you log in. Most of you are a little chunky...(arn't we all?) and I find it very hard to believe you are really spending 4 days week, two hours a night lifting those ole weights. I'm just saying you don't need to lie about that-- I couldn't care less.
4. Talking about your Ex. I am not interested. Really. I will figure out what is wrong with you soon enough on my own. (Only exception to this is if she lives in the same area and you think she might be crazy homicidal and even then on a need to know basis only)
Is this too much to ask?
1. Stating somewhere in the first message to me that you like sex...or "intimacy" or "alone time" or any other euphemism for getting laid. Really? Men like sex? I had no idea! I think I know that little fact, and you making it one of the first things you tell me is really tacky.
2. Sending WAY TOO much information too early...and then expecting me to remember it later. Seriously, I do not need to know about your favorite sports team, how you like to watch movies and eat pizza (duh) and that you drive a red Ford Bronco. Just give me some high points, and then let's meet and talk.
3. Lying about all the gym time you log in. Most of you are a little chunky...(arn't we all?) and I find it very hard to believe you are really spending 4 days week, two hours a night lifting those ole weights. I'm just saying you don't need to lie about that-- I couldn't care less.
4. Talking about your Ex. I am not interested. Really. I will figure out what is wrong with you soon enough on my own. (Only exception to this is if she lives in the same area and you think she might be crazy homicidal and even then on a need to know basis only)
Is this too much to ask?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
2010 is Starting Out with a BANG! (Profanity--kiddies beware)
I am trying to be calm and cool about this, but I actually had my very first COMMENT on my blog. (Thank you, Sarah P.) I never really expected to get any comments, because I don't write this blog to be funny, or to become famous. I write this blog for me. You see, I have a very bad habit of re-writing history. I am the eternal optimist, and for some reason, my brain goes back and paints the past with a rosy pink hue. When I think back on my life, I do not remember any of the bad...and I only remember the good. This may sound like a good thing. And sometimes it is. But it also makes it very difficult to not keep making the same mistakes over and over again. This blog (and the other one I kept for three years prior to this one) are to make sure if I need to know the truth about the past, I have a place I can come and read about it. But it was pretty cool to get a nice, comforting comment.
2010 is starting off a little dicey, if you must know the truth.
First fun thing: I celebrated the new years in Times Square and saw the ball drop. Very cool. Had fun. Got a great hotel room at a great price. Bus trip was easy. It was cold and rainy, but I survived. Glad I experienced it once in my life, but not going to do it again.
First Not So Fun Thing: Since early December, I was dating Michael the Mess. (Quick review: 42, single-never married- 1 year old baby with the ex-girlfriend who wouldnt let him see baby-living on brother's couch-working as a bouncer at a bar-but extremely hot and good in bed) On Saturday, I invited him to go out and do something fun. He said he would call me by 10am...call came in at 11am. He said he was busy with stuff with his brother and SIL, and would call me when it was through. 11am became 3pm...he called again and said he didn't know when he could be at my place. So I took a long hot bath and in the middle of it, called me to say "I am here at your apartment" WTF? Where was my "I am on my way" phone call? I threw on some clothes and went down to get him. He didn't greet me with an embrace. He seemed really off somehow. I leaned in to get a hug (but really to smell him) and he didn't smell like alcohol...but he always says he has a sore throat and sucks on cough drops all the time (this is a trick that alcoholics use to try to cover their drinking) so who in the hell knows? He was wound up...I could feel the negative energy. He sat on the very end of my bed, and didn't move. For FOUR HOURS he sat there. I tried to get him to come up with me and cuddle, or at least act like he was here to see me, and he declined every time. Said he was hungry, insisted on getting Subway across the street, and then when he returned with sandwiches for both of us, didn't want to eat. Corrected me a few times, made negative comments about my cursing...(I think I said shit or something) and when I tried to be cute and poked him with my finger to get his attention, he said "Hitters raise hitters you know" (WTF? My kids are raised, ass hole) After two movies, he still was sitting at the edge of the bed, far away. So I offered to find another movie we could watch. He said "You didn't make the popcorn you promised..." and then launched into his incredibly boring, self centered monologue about how he likes his popcorn, and how people stare at the bag of popcorn dripping with butter...blah blah blah... I guess my face was not registering the expected level of awe he desired. He said "I hate it when you give me that blank face. I really hate it that I can't read your expression" and for some reason, this really hit me wrong. I mean, come on! He arrives later than expected, doesn't want to go out like I requested, and then sits on the end of my bed, without any contact or greeting, and watches two moves that HE likes for 4 hours, won't eat dinner with me at the same time as I eat my weak-ass sandwich, and THEN he has the nerve to tell me that HE DOESN'T LIKE MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS????
So I lost it. Totally lost it. Started yelling at him. "Oh, you don't like MY facial expressions? You can't tell what I am thinking? Well let me illuminate you, asshole. I think you are a selfish prick. You have been here over four hours...and what do you do? Do you sit with me? Hold my hand? Even look in my direction? NO! You sit on the end of my bed, ignoring me completely. You tell me you are starving, and insist that we eat Subway, and then you come back with the sandwiches and tell me YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY? And you wait almost exactly when I finish my sandwich to go get yours. Are you a NUT CASE? I think you are. I am tired of you not listening to me, not even caring about my feelings. Do you really think anyone cares about how sad you are all the time? Do you even know what my middle name is? I bet you don't you self centered asshole. Oh, yes...and you don't like me cussing? Well go fuck yourself, you fucking douche bag...I will say anything I fucking like, you god-damned mother fucker. I think it is time for you to go...get your shit and get out." He said "I don't think this has to do with me...something else is triggering this. You are way too angry for this to be about me." I just looked at him for a moment and said "Don't pull your psycho-babble bullshit on me. I don't have an anger problem...I have a Michael problem. And this problem will be solved in about five minutes." He didn't seem like he was listening, still, so I started to grab his backpack...when he finally understood. And he grabbed his stuff (or most of it) and headed for the door.
Nick, my roommate, who heard the commotion, was standing in his open door when we walked out of my room. I really appreciated his big, male presence. He was, however, smiling when he left. Nick never did like Michael.
After I made sure Michael was gone for good, I re-entered the apartment. Nick was waiting for me with shot glasses and Bubble liquour. "We need to toast Michael's departure" he said.
What a great roomie! I am a lucky girl.
2010 is starting off a little dicey, if you must know the truth.
First fun thing: I celebrated the new years in Times Square and saw the ball drop. Very cool. Had fun. Got a great hotel room at a great price. Bus trip was easy. It was cold and rainy, but I survived. Glad I experienced it once in my life, but not going to do it again.
First Not So Fun Thing: Since early December, I was dating Michael the Mess. (Quick review: 42, single-never married- 1 year old baby with the ex-girlfriend who wouldnt let him see baby-living on brother's couch-working as a bouncer at a bar-but extremely hot and good in bed) On Saturday, I invited him to go out and do something fun. He said he would call me by 10am...call came in at 11am. He said he was busy with stuff with his brother and SIL, and would call me when it was through. 11am became 3pm...he called again and said he didn't know when he could be at my place. So I took a long hot bath and in the middle of it, called me to say "I am here at your apartment" WTF? Where was my "I am on my way" phone call? I threw on some clothes and went down to get him. He didn't greet me with an embrace. He seemed really off somehow. I leaned in to get a hug (but really to smell him) and he didn't smell like alcohol...but he always says he has a sore throat and sucks on cough drops all the time (this is a trick that alcoholics use to try to cover their drinking) so who in the hell knows? He was wound up...I could feel the negative energy. He sat on the very end of my bed, and didn't move. For FOUR HOURS he sat there. I tried to get him to come up with me and cuddle, or at least act like he was here to see me, and he declined every time. Said he was hungry, insisted on getting Subway across the street, and then when he returned with sandwiches for both of us, didn't want to eat. Corrected me a few times, made negative comments about my cursing...(I think I said shit or something) and when I tried to be cute and poked him with my finger to get his attention, he said "Hitters raise hitters you know" (WTF? My kids are raised, ass hole) After two movies, he still was sitting at the edge of the bed, far away. So I offered to find another movie we could watch. He said "You didn't make the popcorn you promised..." and then launched into his incredibly boring, self centered monologue about how he likes his popcorn, and how people stare at the bag of popcorn dripping with butter...blah blah blah... I guess my face was not registering the expected level of awe he desired. He said "I hate it when you give me that blank face. I really hate it that I can't read your expression" and for some reason, this really hit me wrong. I mean, come on! He arrives later than expected, doesn't want to go out like I requested, and then sits on the end of my bed, without any contact or greeting, and watches two moves that HE likes for 4 hours, won't eat dinner with me at the same time as I eat my weak-ass sandwich, and THEN he has the nerve to tell me that HE DOESN'T LIKE MY FACIAL EXPRESSIONS????
So I lost it. Totally lost it. Started yelling at him. "Oh, you don't like MY facial expressions? You can't tell what I am thinking? Well let me illuminate you, asshole. I think you are a selfish prick. You have been here over four hours...and what do you do? Do you sit with me? Hold my hand? Even look in my direction? NO! You sit on the end of my bed, ignoring me completely. You tell me you are starving, and insist that we eat Subway, and then you come back with the sandwiches and tell me YOU ARE NOT HUNGRY? And you wait almost exactly when I finish my sandwich to go get yours. Are you a NUT CASE? I think you are. I am tired of you not listening to me, not even caring about my feelings. Do you really think anyone cares about how sad you are all the time? Do you even know what my middle name is? I bet you don't you self centered asshole. Oh, yes...and you don't like me cussing? Well go fuck yourself, you fucking douche bag...I will say anything I fucking like, you god-damned mother fucker. I think it is time for you to go...get your shit and get out." He said "I don't think this has to do with me...something else is triggering this. You are way too angry for this to be about me." I just looked at him for a moment and said "Don't pull your psycho-babble bullshit on me. I don't have an anger problem...I have a Michael problem. And this problem will be solved in about five minutes." He didn't seem like he was listening, still, so I started to grab his backpack...when he finally understood. And he grabbed his stuff (or most of it) and headed for the door.
Nick, my roommate, who heard the commotion, was standing in his open door when we walked out of my room. I really appreciated his big, male presence. He was, however, smiling when he left. Nick never did like Michael.
After I made sure Michael was gone for good, I re-entered the apartment. Nick was waiting for me with shot glasses and Bubble liquour. "We need to toast Michael's departure" he said.
What a great roomie! I am a lucky girl.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
2010...I'm Freaking Out, Man!
I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.
I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.
Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?
This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)
GREAT Things:
I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday
Not So Great Things:
I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself
Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!
I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.
Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?
This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)
GREAT Things:
I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday
Not So Great Things:
I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself
Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Where in the **Bleep** Did December go?
I think I fell in a hole or something. Because the last time I checked, it was the beginning of the month. And now, it is Christmas eve.
Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:
Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.
Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.
Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.
This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?
1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.
2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning
3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...
4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.
I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.
Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:
Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.
Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.
Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.
This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?
1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.
2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning
3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:
It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...
4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.
I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.
Monday, December 7, 2009
A Very Good Time
Last night, I had a very surprisingly great date with Michael. Michael is the guy I met at the Front Page bar when I was on the date with Anthony and I asked for his number. (Yes I was very bold, but he really was cute and I couldn't stop myself.) Told him he was "adorable". He seemed happily surprised and flattered, and gave me his number and took mine. That next day he called me, and we chatted about each other's lives. My assessment was that he was in a huge transition phase (ended a relationship 11 months ago, but she just had his one and only baby 12 months ago) and he is heartbroken to be away from his child. No car...no discernable life accomplishments. He is living in his brother's house, and working two okay jobs.) All of this smelled like trouble to me, so I told him let's just be friends, no pressure. He said he understood.
So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.
I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.
I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.
I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.
So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.
I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.
I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.
I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
New TV and Living with Nick...
Okay. It is official. I am part of the HDTV clan now. I finally broke down and bought myself not one, but two LCD TV's for my apartment.
Make: Apex
Model: 32" and 40" models...(not sure of number)
Place of Purchase: Target
Cost: 32" = $279.00 40" = $445.00 on Black Friday.
I really liked the 40" I bought last week, and Nick called me tonight with the news of a clearance sale on the last two 32" models. So I snapped it up. Now I will have good TV in the bedroom too! Hooray for me.
Because there are times in my life living with Nick that sitting in the living room area is not preferable. When is that, you ask? Well....
My Roommate Nick is gay. Actively gay...with the emphasis on active. And he is extremely open with me about his world, his love life and the LGBT community..(or at least the part he lives in...LOL) And it has been a fascinating, amusing and down right odd experience.
In order to get the full picture, you need to know a few things about gay men because many heterosexuals (or breeders, as they call us) think that there is only two kinds of gay men...the "man" gay and the "woman" gay. There are many different types and sub types of gay men...truly a full color of the rainbow. Just like in the hetero-world. First, there are three basic categories...Top, bottoms or Versatiles. You can read more about this in Scientific America article here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles Nick is a TOP with all capitals. And then within these three basic categories, there are the different sort of lifestyles...there are Bears, cubs, twinks, otters, leather boys, etc. and within those categories are the different race and culture groups. Yes, there is much to choose from. I have often teased Nick and told him that I if I die and am reincarnated, I want to come back as a gay male. They seem to have all the breaks. They usually have a higher income, are better educated and don't have to worry about pesky children getting in their way. And they get WAY MORE sex than the rest of us...trust me.
Anyway, Nick is a Dominant Top, with a love for leather, but refuses to call himself a bear or a cub. He prefers small latin bottom men, but occasionally strays from his type. In regards to Nick's appearance, it is not always apparent to others that he is gay. He is tall (6 feet tall) and large (size 38 pants...32 inseam) weight about 240 pounds. He has thinning brown hair, so he shaves his head most of the time completely bald. He has a dark brown goatee and mustache combo. He has piercing blue eyes that are icy blue instead of baby blue. Women are constantly attracted to him...he has a rugged large man look with the cleanliness and excellent fashion sense from being gay. According to Nick, he is not considered good looking in his world. Gay men, for the most part, like thin men, preferably athlethically trim or muscled. Fat gay men have a hard time. And it appears to be a young world (isn't it always?) and older gay men are not thought of highly. And Nick is pushing 30, with is almost ancient to him.
But still, Nick is a busy boy. Nick has his "visitors" 2 or 3 times a week, on average. (It is difficult for me to say exactly, because he works nights and I work days during the week...he may have more visitors when I am work and I would not know it) Most of the time, the visitors stay less than an hour. And many of them arrive and leave nameless to me...just a text line on my telephone "I have a visitor coming over in 30 minutes" and then "The visitors left". This is one thing I have insisted on...I must know if there is a stranger in my apartment. Even if I am sleeping, I want the page so I don't get startled or upset if I get up to get something to drink. And the few times I have had a "visitor" I give him the same courtesy. In the 9 months we have lived together, I would imagine about a 100 men have visited Nick. Wow. I just figured that out and wrote than here, and it still looks shocking to me. ONE HUNDRED. Holy Shit.
Anyways, sometimes it is just plain awkward to be sitting in my recliner in the living room, watching TV and knitting, when one of these short timer visitors arrive. The few times I stayed out there, it is almost funny to see the look on their face when they walk by and see "Mom" sitting there staring at them. I smile and say hello, and Nick always tells them who I am (This is my roommate) but doesn't always tell me who they are. I find out later that it is because he doesn't know their name either. They walk into Nick's room, and shut the door. A moment later I hear the Nick's music come on sort of loud (usually electronic dance music...his favorite CD to play during those moments is Chilling at the Playboy Mansion, which makes me laugh out loud to think of the irony) and then I ignore the situation, and continue to watch my show. In a shockingly short period of time, his door opens, and Nick exits first. A few moments later, the younger gentleman exits, head down, not making eye contact for his walk of shame...LOL. Somewhat amusing for me, but also sort of awkward. So if I can, I usually head for my room if I get the page when I am home.
Occasionally, Nick has "boyfriends" or real what I would call dates. These are nice young men who all seem so quiet who Nick invites over to watch a DVD or to listen to music. These dates are much longer, most of an afternoon or sometimes overnight. Nick never entertains in the main living area. Only once, when he had a longer relationship with a man named JoJo did he bring JoJo out of the bedroom and allow him to interact with me. That was nice, actually. I liked getting to know JoJo. But I missed him when Nick broke up with him. So maybe it is best if I don't get attached.
All of this is the reason why I am glad to have a better TV in my room. As you can see, I need it.
Monday, November 30, 2009
One Crappy Holiday Down, One Horrible Holiday to Go
Read the title? Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I hate that I feel that way. I keep verbalizing how wonderful it is to be able to choose your own holiday experience, and now that I am unencumbered by family obligations, I can have the holiday of my dreams.
But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.
Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.
And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.
Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.
The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.
So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)
We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.
So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.
Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.
Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)
I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.
Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.
Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.
I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.
Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.
Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.
So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.
What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???
But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.
Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.
And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.
Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.
The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.
So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)
We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.
So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.
Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.
Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)
I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.
Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.
Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.
I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.
Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.
Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.
So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.
What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Thanksgiving Eve 2009
It is the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving…and it is the afternoon here at the office. Everyone is starting to pack up and go home…but I am the acting Chief and must stay until at least 4:30. Not a bad deal. They take care of me here, and it is the least that I can do.
The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)
Thankful For:
My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
FaceBook
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom
UnThankful For
My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is
The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:
Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating
Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.
Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!
I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.
Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.
The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)
Thankful For:
My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom
UnThankful For
My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is
The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:
Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating
Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.
Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!
I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.
Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Meh.
Crampy. Crabby. Sleepy. All I can think about is going home, taking a hot bath, and crawling into bed to sleep. But I know I wont sleep because my back or knees will hurt...So I will stay living instead. Which is best.
Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.
About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...
And tonight, I meet Rick.
Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.
About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...
And tonight, I meet Rick.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Anyone Looking for Friar Tuck?
And so I went on that date with Jeff. And he was a very nice man. And he was short (I knew that) and he had a friar tuck hair style (which was NOT in the picture he sent) and he had a HUGE pot belly. And there was no sparks. Nada. Zilch.
I knew right away that I would not go out on a second date with Jeff. But more thought provoking for me was the notion of what I "settle" for, and have always settled for in my relationships with men.
I have a very strong personality. I am high verbal, and can talk circles around you if I don't control myself. I am opinionated and a physically large woman and the combo is not always so great when it comes to romance. The men who are attracted to me, it seems, are men who like the comfort of having someone be in charge. Men who may not be very confident and find relief in someone else making the decisions. The kind of men who avoid me are men who are like myself...(duh) men who are confident, outspoken and not afraid to make a decision pretty much like to do all those things around people who admire them for those qualities...who will sit and listen to what they have to say and who like others to make decisions.
Now that sounds all great and good...and I should tell myself "Hey...just find one of those men who like others to choose things for them and go for it!" But no, life cannot be that easy. I have had men like that. I married at least one of them...and it didn't go so hot. I got very tired of making all the decisions, and then I started to disrespect him for that same quality I thought I liked, and finally, I beat him into the ground and made him feel like shit about who he was. (Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, he played his part, yada yada, but that one sentence is pretty much the truth.)
I want a better relationship the next time. I didn't leave my husband to just find a worse version of him. I want something more healthy...I want an adult relationship with someone who is my equal and we both appreciate each other for what we are...and what we bring to the deal.
But I may be too extreme a personality to achieve that.
I knew right away that I would not go out on a second date with Jeff. But more thought provoking for me was the notion of what I "settle" for, and have always settled for in my relationships with men.
I have a very strong personality. I am high verbal, and can talk circles around you if I don't control myself. I am opinionated and a physically large woman and the combo is not always so great when it comes to romance. The men who are attracted to me, it seems, are men who like the comfort of having someone be in charge. Men who may not be very confident and find relief in someone else making the decisions. The kind of men who avoid me are men who are like myself...(duh) men who are confident, outspoken and not afraid to make a decision pretty much like to do all those things around people who admire them for those qualities...who will sit and listen to what they have to say and who like others to make decisions.
Now that sounds all great and good...and I should tell myself "Hey...just find one of those men who like others to choose things for them and go for it!" But no, life cannot be that easy. I have had men like that. I married at least one of them...and it didn't go so hot. I got very tired of making all the decisions, and then I started to disrespect him for that same quality I thought I liked, and finally, I beat him into the ground and made him feel like shit about who he was. (Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, he played his part, yada yada, but that one sentence is pretty much the truth.)
I want a better relationship the next time. I didn't leave my husband to just find a worse version of him. I want something more healthy...I want an adult relationship with someone who is my equal and we both appreciate each other for what we are...and what we bring to the deal.
But I may be too extreme a personality to achieve that.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Dreaming about the Dreamhouse
Today I received an e-mail from Amazon with a link to the 2009 Christmas List of the top toys. Trying not to work today, I clicked on the link and checked it out. The first toy on the top of the list captivated my attention:
BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE!
I had one of these from 1975...you can see it on the top. The dreamhouse of my youth had pressed fiberboard floors and walls, that had printed images of the kitchen applicances, and other house items. The three story unit had a solid roof...and the elevator went up and down by pulling a cord and it was installed in the middle fron of the house. The colors used are more realistic and earth tones, just like the 70's themselves. It stood the test of time and lots of activity and was very sturdy. I had it for years, and my younger sister played with for a few years after me. I remember my Dad selling it at a garage sale in the early 80's.
.
The new version is all made from plastic, of course. The roof is not solid...it is made of a lattice work. And half of the top story is a hot tub...that holds water and works! The appliances in the kitchen are three dimensional, and the elevator is installed on the left side corner of the house, which really makes more sense in a design element, because it leaves more open rooms to play. But the thing that really gets me is the COLOR. The hot pink, light pink, magenta theme is just too much. Do girls these days really like all that PINK?
.
This house reminds me of all the fun fantasy time my sister and I enjoyed and how much our play revolved around acting out versions of our soon to be adult time. We played school a lot, because I thought I wanted to be a teacher. We played "house" where I was almost always the mother, telling her and anyone else we could rope into playing what to do. In one house we lived in, we had a very large and pretty back yard with different statues and plantings. There, we played "Tour Guide" where I mostly pretended to make up stories about the different parts of our back yard and took my sister and other "tourists" on their own private tour. (In one corner my mother planted a few cherry trees. I told my tourists that this was the original cherry tree grove where George Washington cut down a tree when he was a boy...! You would have to know that I grew up in the bay area of California to know how funny that really is) Of course, my sister would beg for her turn to be the teacher, or the mother or the tour guide. And eventually, begrudingly, I would let her. But I was never as good of a student, child or tourist as she was to me. I was argumentative, rude or difficult to deal with. I corrected her when she said something wrong...or I laughed at her when she didn't have all the answers I had. And eventually, I would lose patience and make up some excuse for why we needed to stop playing that game. Or I huffed off, angry about some slight.
.
I am sure this is probably a familiar story in many families. The pushy older sibling and the shy, less confident younger sibling. But sometimes I get a nagging feeling that I may have inadvertently contributed to my sister's lack of confidence she has struggled with most of her life. That in my need to be in charge, to be right, to be the one in the limelight, my sister was in the shadows without the chance to practice the skills that I have used my whole adult life now. Don't get me wrong. I can't feel guilty about this. I was a child, afterall. My parents had way more responsibility that I had in making sure their younger child was emotionally cared for.
But it does give me food for thought.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Big City Fun and a new friend...?
Living in the DC area has it's perks. And the best perk is that you get amazing live music brought right to your doorstep. I can think of at least 10 small club venues that you can go almost any night of the week and see a great band. And occasionally, they are, or were, famous. A few months ago, Nick and I went to see Cyndi Lauper at the 9:30 club and she was amazing. The venue there is small (200 or less people) and the acoustics are wonderful. So you feel like you are sitting in their living room with just a few friends...(okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, but it's close)
Tonight I am going to see a relatively new artist Rebecca Loebe. http://rebeccaloebe.com/ Check her out. Cute as a button, fresh with a very nice voice. Acoustical folk music, with a country flavor. Lovely songs that tell a story. My sort of music. She was the opening act at the Birchmere for the Bacon Brothers, who I really didn't care for. But she rocked in her sweet unpretentious way.
And even better, it turns out at the last minute I don't have to go alone. My old friend from my old job in California called, and she is in town for a conference. Caroline is joining me tonight and I am jazzed to see her, and glad to have the company.
Last night, I spoke again to the nice man I referenced in yesterday's blog entry. So, I guess I should call him by his name since he may (fingers crossed) make more appearances in this blog. His name is Jeff. (now I have done it...I have cursed this one too! LOL) But seriously, I really enjoy typing with him so far...he is very funny and seems pretty smart too. Very self effacing and sincerely interested in getting to know me. Kinda of a nerd and that is a good thing. I am so much a female nerd, it isn't even funny. Last night, I discovered:
Tonight I am going to see a relatively new artist Rebecca Loebe. http://rebeccaloebe.com/ Check her out. Cute as a button, fresh with a very nice voice. Acoustical folk music, with a country flavor. Lovely songs that tell a story. My sort of music. She was the opening act at the Birchmere for the Bacon Brothers, who I really didn't care for. But she rocked in her sweet unpretentious way.
And even better, it turns out at the last minute I don't have to go alone. My old friend from my old job in California called, and she is in town for a conference. Caroline is joining me tonight and I am jazzed to see her, and glad to have the company.
Last night, I spoke again to the nice man I referenced in yesterday's blog entry. So, I guess I should call him by his name since he may (fingers crossed) make more appearances in this blog. His name is Jeff. (now I have done it...I have cursed this one too! LOL) But seriously, I really enjoy typing with him so far...he is very funny and seems pretty smart too. Very self effacing and sincerely interested in getting to know me. Kinda of a nerd and that is a good thing. I am so much a female nerd, it isn't even funny. Last night, I discovered:
- He doesn't drink
): I like a drink now and then...
- He likes Star Trek
(: Nerds Unite!
- He goes to the mall a lot
): I hate the mall!
- He works as a retailer for grocery stores
(: Hooray! He's employed!
- He has never been married
/: Not sure if this is good or bad?
- He has no children
(: I really do not like OPK's (Other Peoples Kids)
- He has a funny sense of humor
(: So do I
- He is balding and has a nice smile
(: I really like bald guys..weird?
- He watches the news a lot
(: Someone needs to tell me things
- He lives with three other roommates
): No privacy...not good
- He remembers things I tell him
(: Everyone likes to be payed attention to
So...we are planning to actually (gasp!) Talk on the Phone together either tonight or tomorrow night....be still my heart. LOL
More on this later...maybe...unless he turns out to be strange...but probably even then
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