Letter He Will Never See

This is a letter you will never see, but my heart needed to write.

I wish I could tell you that I love you. I try not to, and I work hard to try to keep this private, but everyday, I grow more and more in love with you.

I love your sense of humor, and your silly laugh. I love how smart you are at figuring things out, and how absolutely fearless you are in so many things. I love your eyes, of course, everyone does. But I also love your crooked teeth and your ears. I really like to look at your well formed ears. I love your work ethic and how trustworthy you are. I love your family and how you struggle with them…and never quite give up. You would make an outstanding life partner because you are not a quitter.

Each day, I look forward to coming home to hear your voice and be with you. You make me feel happy…even when you are being cranky. I want so badly to help you and make you happier in your life. But I have to hold back. Because you have such pride and are so stubborn about things. And it is not my place.

I wish I could love you fully. I wish you could love me back. I do not allow myself to think about how wonderful our life could be together. How we could both help each other and make each other so happy. How amazing it would be to have you smile at me and look at me with those gorgeous eyes and tell me you love me. I long to lay with you and put my head on your shoulder and cuddle with you until we fall asleep. I would love to make love with you, and give you pleasure and see your passion on your face. Sometimes, I sit across from you at the dinner table, and I long to reach over and softly kiss your lips. I know if things could be different, our sex life would be intense and hot and fun and silly all rolled up into one. I would love to be the bottom to your top.

I know that this will never be. I know this in my head crystal clear…I am truly not confused by the fact that even if you were not gay, you would NOT be attracted to me. I am a female (bad) I am old (bad) and I am overweight (the worst sin of all!) I know that even if, somehow, we could be together, I would always worry if you were faking it or if you were sneaking off with men. And I would worry about AIDs and all of that. It would not work out in real life. I know this. Really I do. But the heart has a mind of it’s own and my heart is writing this now.

So I take the little pleasures from living with you now, knowing that I will never express these feelings. And that if I am fortunate, I will find someone who is as fun, loving and makes me as happy as you do now. And everyday, I wish for you to be happy…because I am always happier when you are happy.

Thank you for bringing your life into mine, even if just as friends. I will always be appreciative.

With the love in my heart,