2010...I'm Freaking Out, Man!

I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.

I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.

Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?

This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)

GREAT Things:

I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday

Not So Great Things:

I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself

Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!

Where in the **Bleep** Did December go?

I think I fell in a hole or something. Because the last time I checked, it was the beginning of the month. And now, it is Christmas eve.

Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:

Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.

Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.

Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.

This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?

1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.

2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning

3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...

4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.

I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.

A Very Good Time

Last night, I had a very surprisingly great date with Michael. Michael is the guy I met at the Front Page bar when I was on the date with Anthony and I asked for his number. (Yes I was very bold, but he really was cute and I couldn't stop myself.) Told him he was "adorable". He seemed happily surprised and flattered, and gave me his number and took mine. That next day he called me, and we chatted about each other's lives. My assessment was that he was in a huge transition phase (ended a relationship 11 months ago, but she just had his one and only baby 12 months ago) and he is heartbroken to be away from his child. No car...no discernable life accomplishments. He is living in his brother's house, and working two okay jobs.) All of this smelled like trouble to me, so I told him let's just be friends, no pressure. He said he understood.

So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.

I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.

I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.

I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.

New TV and Living with Nick...

Okay. It is official. I am part of the HDTV clan now. I finally broke down and bought myself not one, but two LCD TV's for my apartment.

Make: Apex

Model: 32" and 40" models...(not sure of number)

Place of Purchase: Target

Cost: 32" = $279.00 40" = $445.00 on Black Friday.

I really liked the 40" I bought last week, and Nick called me tonight with the news of a clearance sale on the last two 32" models. So I snapped it up. Now I will have good TV in the bedroom too! Hooray for me.

Because there are times in my life living with Nick that sitting in the living room area is not preferable. When is that, you ask? Well....

My Roommate Nick is gay. Actively gay...with the emphasis on active. And he is extremely open with me about his world, his love life and the LGBT community..(or at least the part he lives in...LOL) And it has been a fascinating, amusing and down right odd experience.

In order to get the full picture, you need to know a few things about gay men because many heterosexuals (or breeders, as they call us) think that there is only two kinds of gay men...the "man" gay and the "woman" gay. There are many different types and sub types of gay men...truly a full color of the rainbow. Just like in the hetero-world. First, there are three basic categories...Top, bottoms or Versatiles. You can read more about this in Scientific America article here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles Nick is a TOP with all capitals. And then within these three basic categories, there are the different sort of lifestyles...there are Bears, cubs, twinks, otters, leather boys, etc. and within those categories are the different race and culture groups. Yes, there is much to choose from. I have often teased Nick and told him that I if I die and am reincarnated, I want to come back as a gay male. They seem to have all the breaks. They usually have a higher income, are better educated and don't have to worry about pesky children getting in their way. And they get WAY MORE sex than the rest of us...trust me.

Anyway, Nick is a Dominant Top, with a love for leather, but refuses to call himself a bear or a cub. He prefers small latin bottom men, but occasionally strays from his type. In regards to Nick's appearance, it is not always apparent to others that he is gay. He is tall (6 feet tall) and large (size 38 pants...32 inseam) weight about 240 pounds. He has thinning brown hair, so he shaves his head most of the time completely bald. He has a dark brown goatee and mustache combo. He has piercing blue eyes that are icy blue instead of baby blue. Women are constantly attracted to him...he has a rugged large man look with the cleanliness and excellent fashion sense from being gay. According to Nick, he is not considered good looking in his world. Gay men, for the most part, like thin men, preferably athlethically trim or muscled. Fat gay men have a hard time. And it appears to be a young world (isn't it always?) and older gay men are not thought of highly. And Nick is pushing 30, with is almost ancient to him.

But still, Nick is a busy boy. Nick has his "visitors" 2 or 3 times a week, on average. (It is difficult for me to say exactly, because he works nights and I work days during the week...he may have more visitors when I am work and I would not know it) Most of the time, the visitors stay less than an hour. And many of them arrive and leave nameless to me...just a text line on my telephone "I have a visitor coming over in 30 minutes" and then "The visitors left". This is one thing I have insisted on...I must know if there is a stranger in my apartment. Even if I am sleeping, I want the page so I don't get startled or upset if I get up to get something to drink. And the few times I have had a "visitor" I give him the same courtesy. In the 9 months we have lived together, I would imagine about a 100 men have visited Nick. Wow. I just figured that out and wrote than here, and it still looks shocking to me. ONE HUNDRED. Holy Shit.

Anyways, sometimes it is just plain awkward to be sitting in my recliner in the living room, watching TV and knitting, when one of these short timer visitors arrive. The few times I stayed out there, it is almost funny to see the look on their face when they walk by and see "Mom" sitting there staring at them. I smile and say hello, and Nick always tells them who I am (This is my roommate) but doesn't always tell me who they are. I find out later that it is because he doesn't know their name either. They walk into Nick's room, and shut the door. A moment later I hear the Nick's music come on sort of loud (usually electronic dance music...his favorite CD to play during those moments is Chilling at the Playboy Mansion, which makes me laugh out loud to think of the irony) and then I ignore the situation, and continue to watch my show. In a shockingly short period of time, his door opens, and Nick exits first. A few moments later, the younger gentleman exits, head down, not making eye contact for his walk of shame...LOL. Somewhat amusing for me, but also sort of awkward. So if I can, I usually head for my room if I get the page when I am home.

Occasionally, Nick has "boyfriends" or real what I would call dates. These are nice young men who all seem so quiet who Nick invites over to watch a DVD or to listen to music. These dates are much longer, most of an afternoon or sometimes overnight. Nick never entertains in the main living area. Only once, when he had a longer relationship with a man named JoJo did he bring JoJo out of the bedroom and allow him to interact with me. That was nice, actually. I liked getting to know JoJo. But I missed him when Nick broke up with him. So maybe it is best if I don't get attached.

All of this is the reason why I am glad to have a better TV in my room. As you can see, I need it.

One Crappy Holiday Down, One Horrible Holiday to Go

Read the title? Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I hate that I feel that way. I keep verbalizing how wonderful it is to be able to choose your own holiday experience, and now that I am unencumbered by family obligations, I can have the holiday of my dreams.

But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.

Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.

And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.

Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.

The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.

So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)

We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.

So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.

Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.

Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)

I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.

Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.

Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.

I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.

Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.

Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.

So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.

What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???

Thanksgiving Eve 2009

It is the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving…and it is the afternoon here at the office. Everyone is starting to pack up and go home…but I am the acting Chief and must stay until at least 4:30. Not a bad deal. They take care of me here, and it is the least that I can do.

The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)

Thankful For:

My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
FaceBook
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom

UnThankful For

My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is

The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:

Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating

Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.

Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!

I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.

Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.

Meh.

Crampy. Crabby. Sleepy. All I can think about is going home, taking a hot bath, and crawling into bed to sleep. But I know I wont sleep because my back or knees will hurt...So I will stay living instead. Which is best.

Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.

About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...

And tonight, I meet Rick.

Anyone Looking for Friar Tuck?

And so I went on that date with Jeff. And he was a very nice man. And he was short (I knew that) and he had a friar tuck hair style (which was NOT in the picture he sent) and he had a HUGE pot belly. And there was no sparks. Nada. Zilch.

I knew right away that I would not go out on a second date with Jeff. But more thought provoking for me was the notion of what I "settle" for, and have always settled for in my relationships with men.

I have a very strong personality. I am high verbal, and can talk circles around you if I don't control myself. I am opinionated and a physically large woman and the combo is not always so great when it comes to romance. The men who are attracted to me, it seems, are men who like the comfort of having someone be in charge. Men who may not be very confident and find relief in someone else making the decisions. The kind of men who avoid me are men who are like myself...(duh) men who are confident, outspoken and not afraid to make a decision pretty much like to do all those things around people who admire them for those qualities...who will sit and listen to what they have to say and who like others to make decisions.

Now that sounds all great and good...and I should tell myself "Hey...just find one of those men who like others to choose things for them and go for it!" But no, life cannot be that easy. I have had men like that. I married at least one of them...and it didn't go so hot. I got very tired of making all the decisions, and then I started to disrespect him for that same quality I thought I liked, and finally, I beat him into the ground and made him feel like shit about who he was. (Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, he played his part, yada yada, but that one sentence is pretty much the truth.)

I want a better relationship the next time. I didn't leave my husband to just find a worse version of him. I want something more healthy...I want an adult relationship with someone who is my equal and we both appreciate each other for what we are...and what we bring to the deal.

But I may be too extreme a personality to achieve that.

Dreaming about the Dreamhouse

Today I received an e-mail from Amazon with a link to the 2009 Christmas List of the top toys. Trying not to work today, I clicked on the link and checked it out. The first toy on the top of the list captivated my attention:

BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE!

I had one of these from 1975...you can see it on the top. The dreamhouse of my youth had pressed fiberboard floors and walls, that had printed images of the kitchen applicances, and other house items. The three story unit had a solid roof...and the elevator went up and down by pulling a cord and it was installed in the middle fron of the house. The colors used are more realistic and earth tones, just like the 70's themselves. It stood the test of time and lots of activity and was very sturdy. I had it for years, and my younger sister played with for a few years after me. I remember my Dad selling it at a garage sale in the early 80's.

.

The new version is all made from plastic, of course. The roof is not solid...it is made of a lattice work. And half of the top story is a hot tub...that holds water and works! The appliances in the kitchen are three dimensional, and the elevator is installed on the left side corner of the house, which really makes more sense in a design element, because it leaves more open rooms to play. But the thing that really gets me is the COLOR. The hot pink, light pink, magenta theme is just too much. Do girls these days really like all that PINK?

.

This house reminds me of all the fun fantasy time my sister and I enjoyed and how much our play revolved around acting out versions of our soon to be adult time. We played school a lot, because I thought I wanted to be a teacher. We played "house" where I was almost always the mother, telling her and anyone else we could rope into playing what to do. In one house we lived in, we had a very large and pretty back yard with different statues and plantings. There, we played "Tour Guide" where I mostly pretended to make up stories about the different parts of our back yard and took my sister and other "tourists" on their own private tour. (In one corner my mother planted a few cherry trees. I told my tourists that this was the original cherry tree grove where George Washington cut down a tree when he was a boy...! You would have to know that I grew up in the bay area of California to know how funny that really is) Of course, my sister would beg for her turn to be the teacher, or the mother or the tour guide. And eventually, begrudingly, I would let her. But I was never as good of a student, child or tourist as she was to me. I was argumentative, rude or difficult to deal with. I corrected her when she said something wrong...or I laughed at her when she didn't have all the answers I had. And eventually, I would lose patience and make up some excuse for why we needed to stop playing that game. Or I huffed off, angry about some slight.

.

I am sure this is probably a familiar story in many families. The pushy older sibling and the shy, less confident younger sibling. But sometimes I get a nagging feeling that I may have inadvertently contributed to my sister's lack of confidence she has struggled with most of her life. That in my need to be in charge, to be right, to be the one in the limelight, my sister was in the shadows without the chance to practice the skills that I have used my whole adult life now. Don't get me wrong. I can't feel guilty about this. I was a child, afterall. My parents had way more responsibility that I had in making sure their younger child was emotionally cared for.

But it does give me food for thought.

Big City Fun and a new friend...?

Living in the DC area has it's perks. And the best perk is that you get amazing live music brought right to your doorstep. I can think of at least 10 small club venues that you can go almost any night of the week and see a great band. And occasionally, they are, or were, famous. A few months ago, Nick and I went to see Cyndi Lauper at the 9:30 club and she was amazing. The venue there is small (200 or less people) and the acoustics are wonderful. So you feel like you are sitting in their living room with just a few friends...(okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, but it's close)

Tonight I am going to see a relatively new artist Rebecca Loebe. http://rebeccaloebe.com/ Check her out. Cute as a button, fresh with a very nice voice. Acoustical folk music, with a country flavor. Lovely songs that tell a story. My sort of music. She was the opening act at the Birchmere for the Bacon Brothers, who I really didn't care for. But she rocked in her sweet unpretentious way.

And even better, it turns out at the last minute I don't have to go alone. My old friend from my old job in California called, and she is in town for a conference. Caroline is joining me tonight and I am jazzed to see her, and glad to have the company.

Last night, I spoke again to the nice man I referenced in yesterday's blog entry. So, I guess I should call him by his name since he may (fingers crossed) make more appearances in this blog. His name is Jeff. (now I have done it...I have cursed this one too! LOL) But seriously, I really enjoy typing with him so far...he is very funny and seems pretty smart too. Very self effacing and sincerely interested in getting to know me. Kinda of a nerd and that is a good thing. I am so much a female nerd, it isn't even funny. Last night, I discovered:

• He doesn't drink

): I like a drink now and then...

• He likes Star Trek

(: Nerds Unite!

• He goes to the mall a lot

): I hate the mall!

• He works as a retailer for grocery stores

(: Hooray! He's employed!

• He has never been married

/: Not sure if this is good or bad?

• He has no children

(: I really do not like OPK's (Other Peoples Kids)

• He has a funny sense of humor

(: So do I

• He is balding and has a nice smile

(: I really like bald guys..weird?

• He watches the news a lot

(: Someone needs to tell me things

• He lives with three other roommates

): No privacy...not good

• He remembers things I tell him

(: Everyone likes to be payed attention to

So...we are planning to actually (gasp!) Talk on the Phone together either tonight or tomorrow night....be still my heart. LOL

More on this later...maybe...unless he turns out to be strange...but probably even then

November--Is it Really Freakin' November???

It is hard to believe it is already November. The summer flew by and it is finally getting a little chilly here in DC.

Had an embarassing moment this weekend. Looking back at my earlier post about being so lonely must have carried through the weekend. While shopping on Saturday with Nick, apparently I was unconsciously touching him too much. Or maybe consciously and trying to fool myself. And it bugged him. At one point in Ikea, he said "We are going to have to get you laid" and when I looked at him questioningly, he said "You are touching me a lot today." and gave me one of his looks.

I gave him a sheepish look and said "Sorry. I'll stop." He said "I just don't like it." And I said "I know, Nick. Really. I know." And so I stopped. And it made me sad a little.

So I put a little more effort into meeting someone on my dating sites. Currently, I have a profile on:

• BBPeople.com
• eHarmony.com

I used to have an account with Alt.com, but I recently closed it. It scared me when that craigslist killer had a profile on the same site and was dating from it. SCARY. Not worth the risk. Sorry, I may like a little alternative lifestyle now and again, but it isn't worth my life. Sad that you can't ask someone to tie you up and hit you without attracting sickos...LOL. That makes me laugh. I have a wicked sense of humor.

The best number of contacts I have made has been with BBpeople.com. It's a mixed bag, but I get about 5 or so messages a week from people expressing interest. I immediately reject over half. A quarter I contact, but either they or I pull the plug. And the remaining 10% or less I actually go out on the first date. Lately, not much action but I had not been logging on and working it with the move, etc.

eHarmony pretty much sucks. Over 20 matches and over 15 rejection messages so far. Ego is bleeding with the wounds. I will most likely shut down that account too. I can only handle so much rejection...LOL

So I saw someone nice a week ago in a profile, and sent him a message. He replied back earlier this week with a note that said he was kinda, sorta interested but did I notice he was 4" shorter than I was? I replied back that yes, I notice that, but he wasn't intimidated by a 4" height difference, was he? Days went by and I thought I lost him, so I sent out one last message asking him if I lost him. He said he honestly didn't know if the height difference would bug him and he had to think about it...and now he has decided to give it a whilrl. So we talked on Sunday night for a few hours on YahooMessenger. He seems incredibly normal and fun. Chunky but cute...very nice smile and fun face, with male pattern baldness. Never married No children. It will be interesting to meeting him. We'll see.

Lonliness

I am so lonely tonight. I want to be held. Nothing else is filling that need. I can entertain myself, please myself, even give myself an orgasm. But I can't hug myself or hold my own hand.

This sucks.

Un-Yelling

Last night, when I was making my way home from work, I saw something that made me stop and stare for a while.

Stopped at the light, waiting for the light to turn green, was a man in a car, with the window down. Sitting next to him was a small male child, about 6 years old or so. And he was screaming at the child. Yelling loud enough for me to hear the sound of his voice across three lanes of busy traffic...but not quite loud enough to hear the words.

The child's body language said it all. He was slouched down, looking down, head almost to his chest. He occasionally would look sideways at the man, but never raised his head. He looked like he was shrinking. And he probably was inside.

What was I thinking as I stood there and witnessed this short scene of parental anger? I was thinking about all the times I would get that angry at my children. About how scary and stressful parenting can be, and how powerless you can feel. And about how now that I know how my children turned out to be, I wish I could go back and un-yell at my kids. I wish I could take back every word I said in anger or in fear.

But maybe they wouldn't have turned out so good?

It's My Friday and I'll Smile if I Want To

Today is Thursday. But because tomorrow is my Friday off, today feels like my Friday. And so I am smiling today.

Last night, the apartment building I moved into hosted an Oktoberfest party in the club room. Nick and I went together to check it out.

It was a nicely organized party. Theme related food was fun (German Chocolate cake, German Style Potato Salad, german cold cuts and a fun pretzel bread...yum!) and they hired a gourmet wine and beer place to provide a table with 10 different styles of beer. I could have done without with the German accordian music, but it did add a certain festive air.

It was our first time getting a look at a big group of our neighbors. And an interesting bunch they were. The room was divided into three camps...one side held the young and the beautiful...lounging in their youthful splendor. The middle couches held the Urban contingency...the black and hip group looking trendy and fit. And huddled near the food was the Golden Oldies...ahh...my tribe at last! Nick stuck with me for the first 10 minutes of the party while I made a bee line for the nicest looking older man in the room. Phil, from Florida. Nice face...thining hair line...sexy voice like a broadcaster. Hmmm. Then, Nick struck out on his own for a while. I saw him sizing up the two remaining groups...but there didn't seem to be the Gay Mafia group anywhere in the room. Ahh...poor Nick. He stood for a while near the young and beautiful, and one of the taller women approached him. I laughed to myself as I saw his deer in the headlights look. After microsecond, he made eye contact with me and telepathically sent me the message "Save me...please..." but I stayed back for a few minutes, letting him squirm. I could see her interest in her face as she peered into his baby blue eyes. "Don't get too attached, Honey" I said in my brain as I approached them, to help extricate Nicky from her clutches. In this same group, blending in because of his thinness and hip black glasses, was Maurice. Yes...his name is MAURICE. Who in the hell names a skinny white boy Maurice? Maurice is 45ish (hard to tell), and at first, I totally thought he was gay. Looked like that blond funny guy on "Whose Line is it anyway?" However, as we talked, he revealed that he is an active duty Naval officer, with a 12 year old son, and an ex-wife back in Seattle. Now, none of this means he is NOT gay, but he was entertaining enough to hope.

We stayed for about an hour, and then bailed for dinner. We checked out the Thai food across the street (Bangkok 54) and we really enjoyed it. Nick was funny and charming at dinner.

It was a great evening.

Organizing, Organizing and More Organizing

The new place is coming along nicely. Nick says we could have done it faster, but I have to remind him that I am 16 years older than he is and that I move just a little slower.

Last night when I got home, Nick had dinner ready for us. A very nice treat. Since we have been busy with moving, we have not had the time to cook home cooked meals. Stuffed cheese pasta with spaghetti sauce, and white bread broiled with garlic butter. Yum-Yum. We sat at our counter with the stools...Nick loves this little informal eating area. I wish it had just a little more leg room.

I opened the three packages I received...one from Mom for my birthday. She is always a little odd in her birthday choices, but I love her gifts all the same. This time in the box:

• A hot Pink Boa
• A bottle of Usher perfume
• A random purple bow, not attached to anything
• A paper umbrella, like the kind you put in drinks
• Two perfume samples she picked up at the store when she bought the Usher

Oh, yes. And there was no card explaining any of it. Typical Mom! I love her so much.

Box #2 contained a VHS Tape from Mary. VHS Tape...Do I even have a VHS player? WTF? Of Little Shop of Horrors. Nick happened to mention he liked the movie, so she sent it to me so we could watch it. Except the pesky fact of no VHS player. Oh well...the thought was good. LOL

Box #3 contained the Verizon Network Extender. http://wirelesssupport.verizon.com/information/network_extender.html?t=2

Since I moved into to the new apartment, I get almost ZERO reception. Seriously bad. No calls coming in, only texts if I put the phone next to the window. All calls drop that I make, even if I sit on the balcony and extend myself over the railing. I had to purchase said Network Extender for $200.00. Hated to do it, but it makes no sense not to calls at night...when I am most likely to want to get them.

Happy to report that it works like a charm. Even with the Network Extender and the GPS finder on it, I still had to attach the remote GPS part on to a long cable, and run it to the very corner of the glass windows...up high so that it could receive even just a little GPS juice (or whatever it receives...LOL) This required very careful taping with invisible tape so that the cords do not look "Ghetto" in Nick's words. He cares very much how things look. But now I have 3-4 bars of reception in most parts of the apartment. That ROCKS!

As we worked through that issue, Nick started changing the light fixtures to our cooler lights. First, he installed the track lighting. (insert gay joke here about track lighting...lol) It is a cool set from Ikea that I really like. Unfortunately, we could not figure out how the light switch worked for that light...the known light switch, when off, still allowed power to get to the power box on the ceiling, which is not supposed to happen.

Next, he installed the barrell pendant light, black, also from Ikea, in the livingroom. He was able to get that installed...and it worked perfectly. Turns off, and it turns on. Nicely done, Nicky.

In between all of this, his pager is constantly going off. This is normal for him. Constant buzzing. I have learned to try to ignore it...and sometimes I actually do. This is one of those generational gaps I experience with living with a 29 year old. This is not considered rude or odd...being in constant contact with all your 200 friends is what everyone strives for these days. And he adeptly multi-tasks for the most part. We have struck an agreement that if I am hosting or paying for dinner, he agrees that he will turn off the cell phone and give me his undivided attention. But otherwise, he is his own man, and doesn't owe me anything. Which is fine with me. I often take out my Kindle and read while we eat out or are together...which he never complains about either. It works out.

And at about 1030 pm, he announces that he has a visitor (he calls them tricks...) and he begins to clean up the livingroom. This is my sign to get myself ready and to go to my room. I can stay out in the main living area if I want, but it's best for both of us if I give him and his "guest" a little space. So I do. I close my door and get on the computer and check my Facebook. I can hear the door open a few minutes later...and the murmuring male voices as they walk to his room...his door shuts...then the low, vibrating bass sound of his music he turns on to mask any sound. I focus on my "CafeWorld" game on Facebook...and forget about Nick and his guest for a while. But I am still surprised when 20 minutes later I hear his bedroom door opening, and the front door closing. Nick sends me a text "I am going to work now. Have to be there by Midnight. Goodnight"

I do not fully understand his world. I cannot imagine spending 20 minutes having a quickie sex encounter with someone I barely know...but part of me is a little jealous that he is going to work with a smile on his face, and I am going to bed alone. (sigh)

It's time for my nightly date with Destiny.

Not Getting What I Want

For most of my life, I have been able to get what I want. If I wanted to go on a vacation, I saved the money and scheduled the time off, and went. If I wanted an expensive purse, I purchased it. When I wanted to buy my first house, I worked on all the things I needed to do to get that house, and I got it. When I wanted my first child, I got her. When I wanted to be the Chief at my job, I worked very hard and I got the job. There have been very few things in my life that I wanted that I didn't get. I guess you could call me spoiled, or lucky or a combination.

In the last year, I have not been feeling so lucky or spoiled. Things are not coming so easy, and some of the things I want appear to be much harder to get. I am not miserable or tortured in anyway, but I am not satisified. And I think it is because I have stopped working hard to get them.

Here is what I want:

I want a man in my life. I don't necessarily need to be married, but I want to have a companion and life partner. Someone I can love and who can love me. This not having sex is not cutting it.

Thinking logically, why do I not have what I want?

Why I don't have a man:

1. I am 45 and very overweight. I do not show well for dating. There are not as many single 40 somethings out there, and if they are half way decent, they want younger women or women my age who look prettier than I look.

2. I have very bad knees. It makes me limp and walk funny. It makes me not very active and not willing to go walking or do fun stuff like that. It does not make me a fun date.

3. I surrounded myself with women friends and gay men. Not a lot of contact with 40 something single men. Hard to meet people if you don't get out there.

How do Fix these Items so I get what I want?

1. Lose weight. Eat less. Do whatever you can to make yourself prettier. Stop overeating because you are lonely and miserable or you will alwasy be lonely and miserable. Stop telling yourself that "someone" will love you in your condition. Hell, you don't even like the way you look so why should someone else? STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND GET IT DONE!

2. Have the Knee Surgery already! You have made the surgical appointment---now follow through as fast as possible. GET IT DONE!

3. Keep the friends and the gay men for now. You are going to need company while you lose weight and get your knees fixed. But when you are ready--- Put yourself out there and meet people.

Okay. I feel a little better. Sometimes I have to kick my own ass. I have about 6 months from now before I have the surgery and am able to be recovered. That is enough time to lose a bunch of weight.

FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!

Letter He Will Never See

This is a letter you will never see, but my heart needed to write.

I wish I could tell you that I love you. I try not to, and I work hard to try to keep this private, but everyday, I grow more and more in love with you.

I love your sense of humor, and your silly laugh. I love how smart you are at figuring things out, and how absolutely fearless you are in so many things. I love your eyes, of course, everyone does. But I also love your crooked teeth and your ears. I really like to look at your well formed ears. I love your work ethic and how trustworthy you are. I love your family and how you struggle with them…and never quite give up. You would make an outstanding life partner because you are not a quitter.

Each day, I look forward to coming home to hear your voice and be with you. You make me feel happy…even when you are being cranky. I want so badly to help you and make you happier in your life. But I have to hold back. Because you have such pride and are so stubborn about things. And it is not my place.

I wish I could love you fully. I wish you could love me back. I do not allow myself to think about how wonderful our life could be together. How we could both help each other and make each other so happy. How amazing it would be to have you smile at me and look at me with those gorgeous eyes and tell me you love me. I long to lay with you and put my head on your shoulder and cuddle with you until we fall asleep. I would love to make love with you, and give you pleasure and see your passion on your face. Sometimes, I sit across from you at the dinner table, and I long to reach over and softly kiss your lips. I know if things could be different, our sex life would be intense and hot and fun and silly all rolled up into one. I would love to be the bottom to your top.

I know that this will never be. I know this in my head crystal clear…I am truly not confused by the fact that even if you were not gay, you would NOT be attracted to me. I am a female (bad) I am old (bad) and I am overweight (the worst sin of all!) I know that even if, somehow, we could be together, I would always worry if you were faking it or if you were sneaking off with men. And I would worry about AIDs and all of that. It would not work out in real life. I know this. Really I do. But the heart has a mind of it’s own and my heart is writing this now.

So I take the little pleasures from living with you now, knowing that I will never express these feelings. And that if I am fortunate, I will find someone who is as fun, loving and makes me as happy as you do now. And everyday, I wish for you to be happy…because I am always happier when you are happy.

Thank you for bringing your life into mine, even if just as friends. I will always be appreciative.

With the love in my heart,

Moving 10/17/09

So we left that building and moved about a half mile down the road to brand new apartment building. Old place lowered the rent and seemed to attract a lot of immigrant Asians. Whole big families in one apartment. People doing odd business transactions in the back loading area. Strange smells in the hallway. I saw the writing on the wall that it was getting to be the time to leave. I really enjoyed living with Nick...but I wasn't sure where he was at. So I talked with Nick a few months ago and gave him the chance find a place on his own...and I would move to my own apartment too. He immediately insisted that we move together...It was nice to know that he likes living with me too . So now we live in a nice two bedroom, two bath apartment with a balcony. And a bathtub big enough for me to use! It is located near restaurants and a Rite Aid and a cool movie theater. Fully protected underground parking. Very nice.

The apartment is nice but the move SUCKED! We were both very organized and everything was packed up and moved into the living room for easy moving out of the apartment. Jessica came and visited me that week, and she and I spent a day painting the new apartment (I had to have my purple wall!) and all was ready. Truck was rented-- friends all agreed to help, we thought we were ready!

However, on the day of the move, everything went to hell. It was raining on Saturday...a steady, cold windy rain. And it never stopped. Not for one moment of the entire bastard day. And two of Nick friends did not show up...didn't return calls, nothing. So we were short help. We had Jessica, my 52 year old friend Beverly, and Nick's friend David for the whole day...and one more friend of Nick's in the morning for a few hours. Pretty pathetic. Keep in mind that all of Nick's friends are very small and very gay. No muscles in the bunch. And you know how slow I move with my knees.

We started at 10am and the first load was not loaded until about 2pm!! I knew then we were in trouble. We were limited in time by the reservation of the freight elevator at the new apartment...so I was very very worried! So I had to do something I was not thrilled with...I drove down to where the illegal immigrants hang out for day laborer jobs and grabbed two strong looking men from Mexico/El Salvador and drove them to the new apartment to get help unloading. They turned out to be very strong and hard workers, and not a problem at all. They worked with us for almost 8 hours...and were pleased when I paid them each $10 per hour. It was the smartest thing I did...because we would still be there, in the god forsaken rain, at midnight if I had not done so! Of course, one of them was young and cute (and Latin!), so I had to keep Nick in line and stop him from hitting on the poor kid (LOL) (I was afraid the guy would get offended and leave!) But at the end, Nick asked him for his phone number, and the kid gave it to him, so what do I know?

Eventually, we got all the crap in the new place. Very haphazard, not sorted, but off the truck and in the apartment. Nick has worked every day when he gets home from work and his room and the main living areas organized. My room is about half done....and this weekend, I repainted the purple walls white in the old apartment and cleaned all the rooms, fridge, etc. and now it is ready to turn over to the manager. What a relief that is!

Last few years my birthday was always horrible. I was surprised that this birthday was a good one. Spending that time with my daughter was great, and my friends all took care of me. Nick surprised me with decorating the apartment with a happy birthday banner, and coming home in the morning with presents for me. And he took me to dinner that night as well. And my phone and e-mail kept buzzing with birthday wishes. Honestly, it was the best birthday I have had in years. I am so happy here. I know now a year later that I made a good decision to move here.

Work is work. Nothing exciting...and it is hard to get up in the morning to go to work without something to be in charge of. The pay is good...no stress. No one bugs me...but still very unfullfilling. But it may be ME and not the job. My heart does not seem to be into work.