This sucks.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Lonliness
I am so lonely tonight. I want to be held. Nothing else is filling that need. I can entertain myself, please myself, even give myself an orgasm. But I can't hug myself or hold my own hand.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Un-Yelling
Last night, when I was making my way home from work, I saw something that made me stop and stare for a while.
Stopped at the light, waiting for the light to turn green, was a man in a car, with the window down. Sitting next to him was a small male child, about 6 years old or so. And he was screaming at the child. Yelling loud enough for me to hear the sound of his voice across three lanes of busy traffic...but not quite loud enough to hear the words.
The child's body language said it all. He was slouched down, looking down, head almost to his chest. He occasionally would look sideways at the man, but never raised his head. He looked like he was shrinking. And he probably was inside.
What was I thinking as I stood there and witnessed this short scene of parental anger? I was thinking about all the times I would get that angry at my children. About how scary and stressful parenting can be, and how powerless you can feel. And about how now that I know how my children turned out to be, I wish I could go back and un-yell at my kids. I wish I could take back every word I said in anger or in fear.
But maybe they wouldn't have turned out so good?
Stopped at the light, waiting for the light to turn green, was a man in a car, with the window down. Sitting next to him was a small male child, about 6 years old or so. And he was screaming at the child. Yelling loud enough for me to hear the sound of his voice across three lanes of busy traffic...but not quite loud enough to hear the words.
The child's body language said it all. He was slouched down, looking down, head almost to his chest. He occasionally would look sideways at the man, but never raised his head. He looked like he was shrinking. And he probably was inside.
What was I thinking as I stood there and witnessed this short scene of parental anger? I was thinking about all the times I would get that angry at my children. About how scary and stressful parenting can be, and how powerless you can feel. And about how now that I know how my children turned out to be, I wish I could go back and un-yell at my kids. I wish I could take back every word I said in anger or in fear.
But maybe they wouldn't have turned out so good?
It's My Friday and I'll Smile if I Want To
Today is Thursday. But because tomorrow is my Friday off, today feels like my Friday. And so I am smiling today.
Last night, the apartment building I moved into hosted an Oktoberfest party in the club room. Nick and I went together to check it out.
It was a nicely organized party. Theme related food was fun (German Chocolate cake, German Style Potato Salad, german cold cuts and a fun pretzel bread...yum!) and they hired a gourmet wine and beer place to provide a table with 10 different styles of beer. I could have done without with the German accordian music, but it did add a certain festive air.
It was our first time getting a look at a big group of our neighbors. And an interesting bunch they were. The room was divided into three camps...one side held the young and the beautiful...lounging in their youthful splendor. The middle couches held the Urban contingency...the black and hip group looking trendy and fit. And huddled near the food was the Golden Oldies...ahh...my tribe at last! Nick stuck with me for the first 10 minutes of the party while I made a bee line for the nicest looking older man in the room. Phil, from Florida. Nice face...thining hair line...sexy voice like a broadcaster. Hmmm. Then, Nick struck out on his own for a while. I saw him sizing up the two remaining groups...but there didn't seem to be the Gay Mafia group anywhere in the room. Ahh...poor Nick. He stood for a while near the young and beautiful, and one of the taller women approached him. I laughed to myself as I saw his deer in the headlights look. After microsecond, he made eye contact with me and telepathically sent me the message "Save me...please..." but I stayed back for a few minutes, letting him squirm. I could see her interest in her face as she peered into his baby blue eyes. "Don't get too attached, Honey" I said in my brain as I approached them, to help extricate Nicky from her clutches. In this same group, blending in because of his thinness and hip black glasses, was Maurice. Yes...his name is MAURICE. Who in the hell names a skinny white boy Maurice? Maurice is 45ish (hard to tell), and at first, I totally thought he was gay. Looked like that blond funny guy on "Whose Line is it anyway?" However, as we talked, he revealed that he is an active duty Naval officer, with a 12 year old son, and an ex-wife back in Seattle. Now, none of this means he is NOT gay, but he was entertaining enough to hope.
We stayed for about an hour, and then bailed for dinner. We checked out the Thai food across the street (Bangkok 54) and we really enjoyed it. Nick was funny and charming at dinner.
It was a great evening.
Last night, the apartment building I moved into hosted an Oktoberfest party in the club room. Nick and I went together to check it out.
It was a nicely organized party. Theme related food was fun (German Chocolate cake, German Style Potato Salad, german cold cuts and a fun pretzel bread...yum!) and they hired a gourmet wine and beer place to provide a table with 10 different styles of beer. I could have done without with the German accordian music, but it did add a certain festive air.
It was our first time getting a look at a big group of our neighbors. And an interesting bunch they were. The room was divided into three camps...one side held the young and the beautiful...lounging in their youthful splendor. The middle couches held the Urban contingency...the black and hip group looking trendy and fit. And huddled near the food was the Golden Oldies...ahh...my tribe at last! Nick stuck with me for the first 10 minutes of the party while I made a bee line for the nicest looking older man in the room. Phil, from Florida. Nice face...thining hair line...sexy voice like a broadcaster. Hmmm. Then, Nick struck out on his own for a while. I saw him sizing up the two remaining groups...but there didn't seem to be the Gay Mafia group anywhere in the room. Ahh...poor Nick. He stood for a while near the young and beautiful, and one of the taller women approached him. I laughed to myself as I saw his deer in the headlights look. After microsecond, he made eye contact with me and telepathically sent me the message "Save me...please..." but I stayed back for a few minutes, letting him squirm. I could see her interest in her face as she peered into his baby blue eyes. "Don't get too attached, Honey" I said in my brain as I approached them, to help extricate Nicky from her clutches. In this same group, blending in because of his thinness and hip black glasses, was Maurice. Yes...his name is MAURICE. Who in the hell names a skinny white boy Maurice? Maurice is 45ish (hard to tell), and at first, I totally thought he was gay. Looked like that blond funny guy on "Whose Line is it anyway?" However, as we talked, he revealed that he is an active duty Naval officer, with a 12 year old son, and an ex-wife back in Seattle. Now, none of this means he is NOT gay, but he was entertaining enough to hope.
We stayed for about an hour, and then bailed for dinner. We checked out the Thai food across the street (Bangkok 54) and we really enjoyed it. Nick was funny and charming at dinner.
It was a great evening.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Organizing, Organizing and More Organizing
The new place is coming along nicely. Nick says we could have done it faster, but I have to remind him that I am 16 years older than he is and that I move just a little slower.
Last night when I got home, Nick had dinner ready for us. A very nice treat. Since we have been busy with moving, we have not had the time to cook home cooked meals. Stuffed cheese pasta with spaghetti sauce, and white bread broiled with garlic butter. Yum-Yum. We sat at our counter with the stools...Nick loves this little informal eating area. I wish it had just a little more leg room.
I opened the three packages I received...one from Mom for my birthday. She is always a little odd in her birthday choices, but I love her gifts all the same. This time in the box:
Last night when I got home, Nick had dinner ready for us. A very nice treat. Since we have been busy with moving, we have not had the time to cook home cooked meals. Stuffed cheese pasta with spaghetti sauce, and white bread broiled with garlic butter. Yum-Yum. We sat at our counter with the stools...Nick loves this little informal eating area. I wish it had just a little more leg room.
I opened the three packages I received...one from Mom for my birthday. She is always a little odd in her birthday choices, but I love her gifts all the same. This time in the box:
- A hot Pink Boa
- A bottle of Usher perfume
- A random purple bow, not attached to anything
- A paper umbrella, like the kind you put in drinks
- Two perfume samples she picked up at the store when she bought the Usher
Oh, yes. And there was no card explaining any of it. Typical Mom! I love her so much.
Box #2 contained a VHS Tape from Mary. VHS Tape...Do I even have a VHS player? WTF? Of Little Shop of Horrors. Nick happened to mention he liked the movie, so she sent it to me so we could watch it. Except the pesky fact of no VHS player. Oh well...the thought was good. LOL
Box #3 contained the Verizon Network Extender. http://wirelesssupport.verizon.com/information/network_extender.html?t=2
Since I moved into to the new apartment, I get almost ZERO reception. Seriously bad. No calls coming in, only texts if I put the phone next to the window. All calls drop that I make, even if I sit on the balcony and extend myself over the railing. I had to purchase said Network Extender for $200.00. Hated to do it, but it makes no sense not to calls at night...when I am most likely to want to get them.
Happy to report that it works like a charm. Even with the Network Extender and the GPS finder on it, I still had to attach the remote GPS part on to a long cable, and run it to the very corner of the glass windows...up high so that it could receive even just a little GPS juice (or whatever it receives...LOL) This required very careful taping with invisible tape so that the cords do not look "Ghetto" in Nick's words. He cares very much how things look. But now I have 3-4 bars of reception in most parts of the apartment. That ROCKS!
As we worked through that issue, Nick started changing the light fixtures to our cooler lights. First, he installed the track lighting. (insert gay joke here about track lighting...lol) It is a cool set from Ikea that I really like. Unfortunately, we could not figure out how the light switch worked for that light...the known light switch, when off, still allowed power to get to the power box on the ceiling, which is not supposed to happen.
Next, he installed the barrell pendant light, black, also from Ikea, in the livingroom. He was able to get that installed...and it worked perfectly. Turns off, and it turns on. Nicely done, Nicky.
In between all of this, his pager is constantly going off. This is normal for him. Constant buzzing. I have learned to try to ignore it...and sometimes I actually do. This is one of those generational gaps I experience with living with a 29 year old. This is not considered rude or odd...being in constant contact with all your 200 friends is what everyone strives for these days. And he adeptly multi-tasks for the most part. We have struck an agreement that if I am hosting or paying for dinner, he agrees that he will turn off the cell phone and give me his undivided attention. But otherwise, he is his own man, and doesn't owe me anything. Which is fine with me. I often take out my Kindle and read while we eat out or are together...which he never complains about either. It works out.
And at about 1030 pm, he announces that he has a visitor (he calls them tricks...) and he begins to clean up the livingroom. This is my sign to get myself ready and to go to my room. I can stay out in the main living area if I want, but it's best for both of us if I give him and his "guest" a little space. So I do. I close my door and get on the computer and check my Facebook. I can hear the door open a few minutes later...and the murmuring male voices as they walk to his room...his door shuts...then the low, vibrating bass sound of his music he turns on to mask any sound. I focus on my "CafeWorld" game on Facebook...and forget about Nick and his guest for a while. But I am still surprised when 20 minutes later I hear his bedroom door opening, and the front door closing. Nick sends me a text "I am going to work now. Have to be there by Midnight. Goodnight"
I do not fully understand his world. I cannot imagine spending 20 minutes having a quickie sex encounter with someone I barely know...but part of me is a little jealous that he is going to work with a smile on his face, and I am going to bed alone. (sigh)
It's time for my nightly date with Destiny.
Not Getting What I Want
For most of my life, I have been able to get what I want. If I wanted to go on a vacation, I saved the money and scheduled the time off, and went. If I wanted an expensive purse, I purchased it. When I wanted to buy my first house, I worked on all the things I needed to do to get that house, and I got it. When I wanted my first child, I got her. When I wanted to be the Chief at my job, I worked very hard and I got the job. There have been very few things in my life that I wanted that I didn't get. I guess you could call me spoiled, or lucky or a combination.
In the last year, I have not been feeling so lucky or spoiled. Things are not coming so easy, and some of the things I want appear to be much harder to get. I am not miserable or tortured in anyway, but I am not satisified. And I think it is because I have stopped working hard to get them.
Here is what I want:
I want a man in my life. I don't necessarily need to be married, but I want to have a companion and life partner. Someone I can love and who can love me. This not having sex is not cutting it.
Thinking logically, why do I not have what I want?
Why I don't have a man:
1. I am 45 and very overweight. I do not show well for dating. There are not as many single 40 somethings out there, and if they are half way decent, they want younger women or women my age who look prettier than I look.
2. I have very bad knees. It makes me limp and walk funny. It makes me not very active and not willing to go walking or do fun stuff like that. It does not make me a fun date.
3. I surrounded myself with women friends and gay men. Not a lot of contact with 40 something single men. Hard to meet people if you don't get out there.
How do Fix these Items so I get what I want?
1. Lose weight. Eat less. Do whatever you can to make yourself prettier. Stop overeating because you are lonely and miserable or you will alwasy be lonely and miserable. Stop telling yourself that "someone" will love you in your condition. Hell, you don't even like the way you look so why should someone else? STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND GET IT DONE!
2. Have the Knee Surgery already! You have made the surgical appointment---now follow through as fast as possible. GET IT DONE!
3. Keep the friends and the gay men for now. You are going to need company while you lose weight and get your knees fixed. But when you are ready--- Put yourself out there and meet people.
Okay. I feel a little better. Sometimes I have to kick my own ass. I have about 6 months from now before I have the surgery and am able to be recovered. That is enough time to lose a bunch of weight.
FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!
In the last year, I have not been feeling so lucky or spoiled. Things are not coming so easy, and some of the things I want appear to be much harder to get. I am not miserable or tortured in anyway, but I am not satisified. And I think it is because I have stopped working hard to get them.
Here is what I want:
I want a man in my life. I don't necessarily need to be married, but I want to have a companion and life partner. Someone I can love and who can love me. This not having sex is not cutting it.
Thinking logically, why do I not have what I want?
Why I don't have a man:
1. I am 45 and very overweight. I do not show well for dating. There are not as many single 40 somethings out there, and if they are half way decent, they want younger women or women my age who look prettier than I look.
2. I have very bad knees. It makes me limp and walk funny. It makes me not very active and not willing to go walking or do fun stuff like that. It does not make me a fun date.
3. I surrounded myself with women friends and gay men. Not a lot of contact with 40 something single men. Hard to meet people if you don't get out there.
How do Fix these Items so I get what I want?
1. Lose weight. Eat less. Do whatever you can to make yourself prettier. Stop overeating because you are lonely and miserable or you will alwasy be lonely and miserable. Stop telling yourself that "someone" will love you in your condition. Hell, you don't even like the way you look so why should someone else? STOP MAKING EXCUSES AND GET IT DONE!
2. Have the Knee Surgery already! You have made the surgical appointment---now follow through as fast as possible. GET IT DONE!
3. Keep the friends and the gay men for now. You are going to need company while you lose weight and get your knees fixed. But when you are ready--- Put yourself out there and meet people.
Okay. I feel a little better. Sometimes I have to kick my own ass. I have about 6 months from now before I have the surgery and am able to be recovered. That is enough time to lose a bunch of weight.
FOCUS! FOCUS! FOCUS!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Letter He Will Never See
This is a letter you will never see, but my heart needed to write.
I wish I could tell you that I love you. I try not to, and I work hard to try to keep this private, but everyday, I grow more and more in love with you.
I love your sense of humor, and your silly laugh. I love how smart you are at figuring things out, and how absolutely fearless you are in so many things. I love your eyes, of course, everyone does. But I also love your crooked teeth and your ears. I really like to look at your well formed ears. I love your work ethic and how trustworthy you are. I love your family and how you struggle with them…and never quite give up. You would make an outstanding life partner because you are not a quitter.
Each day, I look forward to coming home to hear your voice and be with you. You make me feel happy…even when you are being cranky. I want so badly to help you and make you happier in your life. But I have to hold back. Because you have such pride and are so stubborn about things. And it is not my place.
I wish I could love you fully. I wish you could love me back. I do not allow myself to think about how wonderful our life could be together. How we could both help each other and make each other so happy. How amazing it would be to have you smile at me and look at me with those gorgeous eyes and tell me you love me. I long to lay with you and put my head on your shoulder and cuddle with you until we fall asleep. I would love to make love with you, and give you pleasure and see your passion on your face. Sometimes, I sit across from you at the dinner table, and I long to reach over and softly kiss your lips. I know if things could be different, our sex life would be intense and hot and fun and silly all rolled up into one. I would love to be the bottom to your top.
I know that this will never be. I know this in my head crystal clear…I am truly not confused by the fact that even if you were not gay, you would NOT be attracted to me. I am a female (bad) I am old (bad) and I am overweight (the worst sin of all!) I know that even if, somehow, we could be together, I would always worry if you were faking it or if you were sneaking off with men. And I would worry about AIDs and all of that. It would not work out in real life. I know this. Really I do. But the heart has a mind of it’s own and my heart is writing this now.
So I take the little pleasures from living with you now, knowing that I will never express these feelings. And that if I am fortunate, I will find someone who is as fun, loving and makes me as happy as you do now. And everyday, I wish for you to be happy…because I am always happier when you are happy.
Thank you for bringing your life into mine, even if just as friends. I will always be appreciative.
With the love in my heart,
I wish I could tell you that I love you. I try not to, and I work hard to try to keep this private, but everyday, I grow more and more in love with you.
I love your sense of humor, and your silly laugh. I love how smart you are at figuring things out, and how absolutely fearless you are in so many things. I love your eyes, of course, everyone does. But I also love your crooked teeth and your ears. I really like to look at your well formed ears. I love your work ethic and how trustworthy you are. I love your family and how you struggle with them…and never quite give up. You would make an outstanding life partner because you are not a quitter.
Each day, I look forward to coming home to hear your voice and be with you. You make me feel happy…even when you are being cranky. I want so badly to help you and make you happier in your life. But I have to hold back. Because you have such pride and are so stubborn about things. And it is not my place.
I wish I could love you fully. I wish you could love me back. I do not allow myself to think about how wonderful our life could be together. How we could both help each other and make each other so happy. How amazing it would be to have you smile at me and look at me with those gorgeous eyes and tell me you love me. I long to lay with you and put my head on your shoulder and cuddle with you until we fall asleep. I would love to make love with you, and give you pleasure and see your passion on your face. Sometimes, I sit across from you at the dinner table, and I long to reach over and softly kiss your lips. I know if things could be different, our sex life would be intense and hot and fun and silly all rolled up into one. I would love to be the bottom to your top.
I know that this will never be. I know this in my head crystal clear…I am truly not confused by the fact that even if you were not gay, you would NOT be attracted to me. I am a female (bad) I am old (bad) and I am overweight (the worst sin of all!) I know that even if, somehow, we could be together, I would always worry if you were faking it or if you were sneaking off with men. And I would worry about AIDs and all of that. It would not work out in real life. I know this. Really I do. But the heart has a mind of it’s own and my heart is writing this now.
So I take the little pleasures from living with you now, knowing that I will never express these feelings. And that if I am fortunate, I will find someone who is as fun, loving and makes me as happy as you do now. And everyday, I wish for you to be happy…because I am always happier when you are happy.
Thank you for bringing your life into mine, even if just as friends. I will always be appreciative.
With the love in my heart,
Moving 10/17/09
So we left that building and moved about a half mile down the road to brand new apartment building. Old place lowered the rent and seemed to attract a lot of immigrant Asians. Whole big families in one apartment. People doing odd business transactions in the back loading area. Strange smells in the hallway. I saw the writing on the wall that it was getting to be the time to leave. I really enjoyed living with Nick...but I wasn't sure where he was at. So I talked with Nick a few months ago and gave him the chance find a place on his own...and I would move to my own apartment too. He immediately insisted that we move together...It was nice to know that he likes living with me too . So now we live in a nice two bedroom, two bath apartment with a balcony. And a bathtub big enough for me to use! It is located near restaurants and a Rite Aid and a cool movie theater. Fully protected underground parking. Very nice.
The apartment is nice but the move SUCKED! We were both very organized and everything was packed up and moved into the living room for easy moving out of the apartment. Jessica came and visited me that week, and she and I spent a day painting the new apartment (I had to have my purple wall!) and all was ready. Truck was rented-- friends all agreed to help, we thought we were ready!
However, on the day of the move, everything went to hell. It was raining on Saturday...a steady, cold windy rain. And it never stopped. Not for one moment of the entire bastard day. And two of Nick friends did not show up...didn't return calls, nothing. So we were short help. We had Jessica, my 52 year old friend Beverly, and Nick's friend David for the whole day...and one more friend of Nick's in the morning for a few hours. Pretty pathetic. Keep in mind that all of Nick's friends are very small and very gay. No muscles in the bunch. And you know how slow I move with my knees.
We started at 10am and the first load was not loaded until about 2pm!! I knew then we were in trouble. We were limited in time by the reservation of the freight elevator at the new apartment...so I was very very worried! So I had to do something I was not thrilled with...I drove down to where the illegal immigrants hang out for day laborer jobs and grabbed two strong looking men from Mexico/El Salvador and drove them to the new apartment to get help unloading. They turned out to be very strong and hard workers, and not a problem at all. They worked with us for almost 8 hours...and were pleased when I paid them each $10 per hour. It was the smartest thing I did...because we would still be there, in the god forsaken rain, at midnight if I had not done so! Of course, one of them was young and cute (and Latin!), so I had to keep Nick in line and stop him from hitting on the poor kid (LOL) (I was afraid the guy would get offended and leave!) But at the end, Nick asked him for his phone number, and the kid gave it to him, so what do I know?
Eventually, we got all the crap in the new place. Very haphazard, not sorted, but off the truck and in the apartment. Nick has worked every day when he gets home from work and his room and the main living areas organized. My room is about half done....and this weekend, I repainted the purple walls white in the old apartment and cleaned all the rooms, fridge, etc. and now it is ready to turn over to the manager. What a relief that is!
Last few years my birthday was always horrible. I was surprised that this birthday was a good one. Spending that time with my daughter was great, and my friends all took care of me. Nick surprised me with decorating the apartment with a happy birthday banner, and coming home in the morning with presents for me. And he took me to dinner that night as well. And my phone and e-mail kept buzzing with birthday wishes. Honestly, it was the best birthday I have had in years. I am so happy here. I know now a year later that I made a good decision to move here.
Work is work. Nothing exciting...and it is hard to get up in the morning to go to work without something to be in charge of. The pay is good...no stress. No one bugs me...but still very unfullfilling. But it may be ME and not the job. My heart does not seem to be into work.
The apartment is nice but the move SUCKED! We were both very organized and everything was packed up and moved into the living room for easy moving out of the apartment. Jessica came and visited me that week, and she and I spent a day painting the new apartment (I had to have my purple wall!) and all was ready. Truck was rented-- friends all agreed to help, we thought we were ready!
However, on the day of the move, everything went to hell. It was raining on Saturday...a steady, cold windy rain. And it never stopped. Not for one moment of the entire bastard day. And two of Nick friends did not show up...didn't return calls, nothing. So we were short help. We had Jessica, my 52 year old friend Beverly, and Nick's friend David for the whole day...and one more friend of Nick's in the morning for a few hours. Pretty pathetic. Keep in mind that all of Nick's friends are very small and very gay. No muscles in the bunch. And you know how slow I move with my knees.
We started at 10am and the first load was not loaded until about 2pm!! I knew then we were in trouble. We were limited in time by the reservation of the freight elevator at the new apartment...so I was very very worried! So I had to do something I was not thrilled with...I drove down to where the illegal immigrants hang out for day laborer jobs and grabbed two strong looking men from Mexico/El Salvador and drove them to the new apartment to get help unloading. They turned out to be very strong and hard workers, and not a problem at all. They worked with us for almost 8 hours...and were pleased when I paid them each $10 per hour. It was the smartest thing I did...because we would still be there, in the god forsaken rain, at midnight if I had not done so! Of course, one of them was young and cute (and Latin!), so I had to keep Nick in line and stop him from hitting on the poor kid (LOL) (I was afraid the guy would get offended and leave!) But at the end, Nick asked him for his phone number, and the kid gave it to him, so what do I know?
Eventually, we got all the crap in the new place. Very haphazard, not sorted, but off the truck and in the apartment. Nick has worked every day when he gets home from work and his room and the main living areas organized. My room is about half done....and this weekend, I repainted the purple walls white in the old apartment and cleaned all the rooms, fridge, etc. and now it is ready to turn over to the manager. What a relief that is!
Last few years my birthday was always horrible. I was surprised that this birthday was a good one. Spending that time with my daughter was great, and my friends all took care of me. Nick surprised me with decorating the apartment with a happy birthday banner, and coming home in the morning with presents for me. And he took me to dinner that night as well. And my phone and e-mail kept buzzing with birthday wishes. Honestly, it was the best birthday I have had in years. I am so happy here. I know now a year later that I made a good decision to move here.
Work is work. Nothing exciting...and it is hard to get up in the morning to go to work without something to be in charge of. The pay is good...no stress. No one bugs me...but still very unfullfilling. But it may be ME and not the job. My heart does not seem to be into work.
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