One Crappy Holiday Down, One Horrible Holiday to Go

Read the title? Yes, that is exactly how I feel and I hate that I feel that way. I keep verbalizing how wonderful it is to be able to choose your own holiday experience, and now that I am unencumbered by family obligations, I can have the holiday of my dreams.

But I finally figured out this weekend that holidays are all about encumbered family obligations! The whole idea of the "season" is to be obligated to do things that you have always done with or for your family. Thinking back to my 20+ years of adult holidays, did I really WANT to sew a Santa Costume, stand outside in the freaking cold when my kids were in the holiday parade, buy dozens of gifts for people I really didn't like or cook those Thanksgiving meals each year just to watch them get gobbled up within 30 minutes? Uh...No. those things were not what I really wanted to be physically doing. But I did them because they allegedly brought joy and love to the people I love. My memories are a blurred together, but I generally remember being busy, tired, stressed sometimes, and at the end, I felt happy to be with my kids, but glad the holidays were over. I remember always feeling like I could not make everyone happy...that someone, usually an in-law or my husband, was not happy with something I did. And that always made me feel bad.

Now that I am off the hook (sort of...more about that later) because of the distance I live from everyone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do. I can send a card for Thanksgiving with a $20.00 bill or two and write how much I miss them. And then I can do what I want. But there leads to the big problem. What is the hell do I want to do all by myself? How pathetic is it to take yourself out for a Thanksgiving dinner? And if you want to be completely different, and avoid the dinner thing, what is really left? What can you do Thanksgiving night when everyone else is chowing down? Movie...? Sure, but you can do that anytime. You get my thought, right? The thing that made Thanksgiving special was having my children and husband around me, laughing, bitching, talking, eating, and loving me. As corny as that sounds, with all the stress I remember, I can see more clearly that I was a lucky woman for a lot of years.

And now that I am here alone in DC...I wanted to have something different but still special. And I tried, I really tried. I wanted to have the "Thanksgiving experience", but with the new people in my life that I care for. I wanted to surround myself with people that I thought cared for me so that I could feel better about the fact that I am an divorced 45 year old woman with my children scattered across the US. So I planned, and a shopped, and I invited, and I cleaned. And I failed. I discovered that you can't always get what you want when it comes to the holidays.

Here is how it went down: My roommate, Nick, was an ass. He was moody for the week leading up to Thanksgiving, and I knew when I had to push him hard to go shopping with me for the food that he was not motivated about the holiday. He was giving me all the clues and signs, but read the paragraph above about my rabid fantasy, and you will understand why I forged ahead. What was my alternative? Where could I host my imaginary family dinner if not at my apartment? And where would I go if not my own house? (sigh) So, I ignored all the warning signals and kept my eyes on the prize.

The night before Thanksgiving, Nick shut me out completely. I irritated him greatly when I came home on Wednesday at 5pm, and baked my Pumpkin pie and started the dinner roles. Apparently he was unable to sleep during the day, and was running on less than 8 hours sleep over the past 2 or three days. Not good. His bi-polar condition gets worse when he is not sleeping right. I know this, He knows this...and yet, his condition tells his brain that he doesn't need to sleep. I tried to cajole him, but he was having none of it. So I shut up and baked and ignored the glaring face at the counter. Because I had another motiviation here...I had to get this stuff done before 8pm because Anthony (short new guy from earlier post) invited me to go out with him to a bar called The Front Page and I didn't want the pie/rolls to get in the way of that.

So, Nick went back to bed while I banged the pots in the kitchen, keeping him awake. From that point on, things never recovered. I finished the pies, and picked up Anthony at the Metro station...and we drove to the bar. It was hopping. Did you know that Thanksgiving Eve is the biggest night for clubs...even more than any other holiday? I did not know that...but it just goes to show you that there are many more people than just I that may have a little bit of problem with the f*ing holidays. In order to tolerate the family crap, I think many of them are tying on one...(but I digress.)

We had a very nice time, talking and having a few drinks. I was feeling good, witty and together. My pie was baked and on the counter...and a guy at the bar (not Anthony) slipped me his number and asked me to call him. Amazing! Maybe this holiday will not be so shabby. As we left the bar, I asked Anthony where he wanted me to drive him, and he asked "Where do YOU want to take me?" I said "I want to take you in my bed" and he smiled and that is exactly where I took him...or he took me....LOL And it was pretty damn good. Until it was time to sleep. It is amazing how much sound came out of such a small person. He snored...(which I can work around most of the time) and he was a cuddler (he wanted to be right up against me!) but the thing that really made it impossible to sleep was the TEETH GRINDING!. Seriously, it sounded like a cell phone vibrating...with a horrible element of chalkboard scratching. And he never stopped. I have no idea how this guy keeps his teeth. They should be stubs.

So at about 530 am...after I entice him with round two, I encourage him to allow me to take him home early so we can both get a separate nap. He likes this idea. And knowing that Nick should be getting off work about 630-7pm, I figure I will drive Anthony home, and swing by and pick up Nick. This will help him get home earlier so he can nap, and will help me stay awake until I can put the turkey on. But after 4 pages in a hour and half timeframe with no reply, I realize that something is wrong. Either his phone is broke, or Nick is having a bad night...and answering my pages is not on his to do list. Which never bodes well. Nick has "punished" me in the past before by ignorning me like this. And I HATE IT.

Well crap. I contemplate driving to his work and just sitting there and waiting for him, but I veto that idea quickly. I get myself a quick McDonalds breakfast sandwhich and go home to prepare the dinner...so I can be done with banging in the kitchen when he gets home. This turns out to be the most enjoyable time of my holiday day. Just me, my kitchen and the morning TV shows, which are suprisingly fun that morning. Upbeat Thanksgiving stories, tips for cooking, good singers etc. Nice.

Nick comes home at about 8am...and he is not happy. I can tell. And my heart sinks. But I tell him that all the prep work is done and that our first guests wont be arriving until 1230 or so, and that he can sleep without any noise. He does not respond and walks to his room, shutting the door. (sigh)

I nap too...because frankly Anthony has wore me out..(grins) And I wake at 10am to check the turkey, etc. I call our mutual friend Nonyem to arrange for a time to come pick her up and her food. She seems surprised to hear from me. She says "Nick is pretty upset with you...I don't know if I want to come and be a party to that" I am stunned and heartsick. That he would have the time to talk to her during his busy night, and not even send one answer page back to me is upsetting enough, but to find out that he was talking to her about ME and our relationship really burns me. He knows how much I hate that. And he knows she is a snake in the grass and loves to push my buttons about that shit...and that she is very jealous of our relationship because she would have loved to live with Nick instead. Now I am upset. But I say on the phone "Come if you want or stay home if you want. I am going to have a great evening and a wonderful holiday either way...and I hope you will join us." This is not what she wanted to hear, and gets a little pouty, but I tell her to call me when she wants me to come get her and we end the call.

Now it all goes downhill from there. Bev arrives at 1230, and she is the only bright spot in the rest of the day. What a wonderful loyal friend. She sticks by my side and helps me get everything together and done. And to our credit, the dinner is FANTASTIC. Other start to arrive at 230 and everyone is there by 330.

Nick stays in his room until after 1pm. Two of his guests have backed out, which has not improved his mood. His final invitees, a gay couple named Gary and Ronnie, finally arrive at 3pm...and when they arrive he cheers up a little, but he is still withdrawn and not his normal self. And he refuses to speak directly at me, except to make sarcastic jokes about the stories I tell to keep the party going. I am tired from my evening before, tired from standing in the kitchen and now I am tired of keeping the party going. And I am sick and tired of Nonyem's negative comments towards me as well.

I know it was MY plan. I know I should have read the signs. I KNOW THIS. But GOD DAMN IT! I wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving.

Towards the end of the evening, about 6pm I brought out the Uno cards. Nick refused to join us. His friends, Gary and Ronnie played a few hands with me, which was fun. But then it was all over too soon. And by 8pm, everyone was gone expect for me, Nick and Nonyem. Not a good thing.

Nick makes like he is going to go to bed. Now I am completely pissed. Again, I am tired...and disappointed that the evening was just okay, and not great. I am not happy with Nick's bullshit. And now he is going to stick me with ALL THE CLEANING? I think NOT. And I tell him that very bluntly and clearly. And he is not happy, but he stays and cleans. But we are both slamming doors, not being nice, and saying things half under our breath. It ends badly and I tell him "you have pushed me too far." He eventually takes Nonyem home (thank God) and I sit in the living room, seething.

So there you have it. One sucky Thanksgiving over.

What in the HELL am I going to do about Christmas???

Thanksgiving Eve 2009

It is the Wednesday prior to Thanksgiving…and it is the afternoon here at the office. Everyone is starting to pack up and go home…but I am the acting Chief and must stay until at least 4:30. Not a bad deal. They take care of me here, and it is the least that I can do.

The office is getting very quiet and deserted. And gives me some time to reflect on this upcoming holiday and what I am thankful for and things I am not thankful for. (yes, folks, the bad comes with the good…LOL)

Thankful For:

My government career
My children
My friend Bev
My roommate Nick
Living in the United States
Having good health insurance
My good health overall
My lovely apartment
FaceBook
My Mom and Dad
My sister, even though she irritates me
My freedom

UnThankful For

My bad knees
Not being thin
Not being in love and having someone to romantically love
How boring the job I am doing is

The guest list for tomorrow’s dinner is growing daily:

Me
Nick
Beverly
Gary and Ronnie (couple, friends of Nick)
Nonyem
Vickie Nitsche
Alex (Crazy friend of Nick’s)
And maybe Anthony, new guy I am dating

Whew! It is going to be tight in our small apartment…but more is the merrier in my book. We play Wii, play cards, play pool and DRINK. (Whooo hooo!) I am planning to get loose and have fun after the dinner is over and everything turns out okay.

Two of my children (Jessica and Grace) will be in Sacramento tonight and tomorrow with their father for Thanksgiving…and he is joining forces with my mother and my sister, and they are all going to my mother’s restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner. It will be closed to the public, and Mom will cook the turkey and they can spread out in the restaurant and have the room. In addition, Grace’s boyfriend Matt, will bring his two children, and a few of his family members are coming too. All 4 of my nephews, along with Alicia and my brother in law will be at the dinner. I am not sure what I feel…it is odd to think about all of them being together without me. I know I chose to remove my self from them, and I am pretty okay with the decision, but it is still odd. Not painful though. I thought it would be sad or that I would feel bad. But I am really okay with it. I am really extremely happy that my girls will be with so much family. I am happy in my heart for them. I am looking forward to hearing all about the dinner and who did what, said what, and all the gossip!

I am cooking the dinner at my place, which in theory I am looking forward to, but in reality if I am not careful, I will get overtired and get cranky. I have asked Nonyem and Bev to come early and help (noon) so that I can avoid getting overwhelmed. As long as I pay attention to that tendancy, I think I will be okay.

Wishing everyone the best Thanksgiving they can have, no matter where they find themselves.

Meh.

Crampy. Crabby. Sleepy. All I can think about is going home, taking a hot bath, and crawling into bed to sleep. But I know I wont sleep because my back or knees will hurt...So I will stay living instead. Which is best.

Date with a new person tonight. Still a little torn about going out with Rick (new guy) while still sorting it out with Anthony (we had 2nd date last night) but Nick assures me that I need to keep moving forward until I am sure one way or another...he says I can't lose precious time or opportunities. Which I see. But...(sigh) Serial dating is harder than you would think.

About Anthony. Nice man inside. Very very short. Smokes. Hate his smell. And that is a big deal for me. But he is funny and honest. I like that. A lot. And he has a very strong sexual signal that I am picking up just fine. Which I also like. But he smokes...YUCK! I think I will sleep with him and enjoy for a while, but it may not last long...

And tonight, I meet Rick.

Anyone Looking for Friar Tuck?

And so I went on that date with Jeff. And he was a very nice man. And he was short (I knew that) and he had a friar tuck hair style (which was NOT in the picture he sent) and he had a HUGE pot belly. And there was no sparks. Nada. Zilch.

I knew right away that I would not go out on a second date with Jeff. But more thought provoking for me was the notion of what I "settle" for, and have always settled for in my relationships with men.

I have a very strong personality. I am high verbal, and can talk circles around you if I don't control myself. I am opinionated and a physically large woman and the combo is not always so great when it comes to romance. The men who are attracted to me, it seems, are men who like the comfort of having someone be in charge. Men who may not be very confident and find relief in someone else making the decisions. The kind of men who avoid me are men who are like myself...(duh) men who are confident, outspoken and not afraid to make a decision pretty much like to do all those things around people who admire them for those qualities...who will sit and listen to what they have to say and who like others to make decisions.

Now that sounds all great and good...and I should tell myself "Hey...just find one of those men who like others to choose things for them and go for it!" But no, life cannot be that easy. I have had men like that. I married at least one of them...and it didn't go so hot. I got very tired of making all the decisions, and then I started to disrespect him for that same quality I thought I liked, and finally, I beat him into the ground and made him feel like shit about who he was. (Yes, there were extenuating circumstances, he played his part, yada yada, but that one sentence is pretty much the truth.)

I want a better relationship the next time. I didn't leave my husband to just find a worse version of him. I want something more healthy...I want an adult relationship with someone who is my equal and we both appreciate each other for what we are...and what we bring to the deal.

But I may be too extreme a personality to achieve that.

Dreaming about the Dreamhouse

Today I received an e-mail from Amazon with a link to the 2009 Christmas List of the top toys. Trying not to work today, I clicked on the link and checked it out. The first toy on the top of the list captivated my attention:

BARBIE'S DREAMHOUSE!

I had one of these from 1975...you can see it on the top. The dreamhouse of my youth had pressed fiberboard floors and walls, that had printed images of the kitchen applicances, and other house items. The three story unit had a solid roof...and the elevator went up and down by pulling a cord and it was installed in the middle fron of the house. The colors used are more realistic and earth tones, just like the 70's themselves. It stood the test of time and lots of activity and was very sturdy. I had it for years, and my younger sister played with for a few years after me. I remember my Dad selling it at a garage sale in the early 80's.

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The new version is all made from plastic, of course. The roof is not solid...it is made of a lattice work. And half of the top story is a hot tub...that holds water and works! The appliances in the kitchen are three dimensional, and the elevator is installed on the left side corner of the house, which really makes more sense in a design element, because it leaves more open rooms to play. But the thing that really gets me is the COLOR. The hot pink, light pink, magenta theme is just too much. Do girls these days really like all that PINK?

.

This house reminds me of all the fun fantasy time my sister and I enjoyed and how much our play revolved around acting out versions of our soon to be adult time. We played school a lot, because I thought I wanted to be a teacher. We played "house" where I was almost always the mother, telling her and anyone else we could rope into playing what to do. In one house we lived in, we had a very large and pretty back yard with different statues and plantings. There, we played "Tour Guide" where I mostly pretended to make up stories about the different parts of our back yard and took my sister and other "tourists" on their own private tour. (In one corner my mother planted a few cherry trees. I told my tourists that this was the original cherry tree grove where George Washington cut down a tree when he was a boy...! You would have to know that I grew up in the bay area of California to know how funny that really is) Of course, my sister would beg for her turn to be the teacher, or the mother or the tour guide. And eventually, begrudingly, I would let her. But I was never as good of a student, child or tourist as she was to me. I was argumentative, rude or difficult to deal with. I corrected her when she said something wrong...or I laughed at her when she didn't have all the answers I had. And eventually, I would lose patience and make up some excuse for why we needed to stop playing that game. Or I huffed off, angry about some slight.

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I am sure this is probably a familiar story in many families. The pushy older sibling and the shy, less confident younger sibling. But sometimes I get a nagging feeling that I may have inadvertently contributed to my sister's lack of confidence she has struggled with most of her life. That in my need to be in charge, to be right, to be the one in the limelight, my sister was in the shadows without the chance to practice the skills that I have used my whole adult life now. Don't get me wrong. I can't feel guilty about this. I was a child, afterall. My parents had way more responsibility that I had in making sure their younger child was emotionally cared for.

But it does give me food for thought.

Big City Fun and a new friend...?

Living in the DC area has it's perks. And the best perk is that you get amazing live music brought right to your doorstep. I can think of at least 10 small club venues that you can go almost any night of the week and see a great band. And occasionally, they are, or were, famous. A few months ago, Nick and I went to see Cyndi Lauper at the 9:30 club and she was amazing. The venue there is small (200 or less people) and the acoustics are wonderful. So you feel like you are sitting in their living room with just a few friends...(okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, but it's close)

Tonight I am going to see a relatively new artist Rebecca Loebe. http://rebeccaloebe.com/ Check her out. Cute as a button, fresh with a very nice voice. Acoustical folk music, with a country flavor. Lovely songs that tell a story. My sort of music. She was the opening act at the Birchmere for the Bacon Brothers, who I really didn't care for. But she rocked in her sweet unpretentious way.

And even better, it turns out at the last minute I don't have to go alone. My old friend from my old job in California called, and she is in town for a conference. Caroline is joining me tonight and I am jazzed to see her, and glad to have the company.

Last night, I spoke again to the nice man I referenced in yesterday's blog entry. So, I guess I should call him by his name since he may (fingers crossed) make more appearances in this blog. His name is Jeff. (now I have done it...I have cursed this one too! LOL) But seriously, I really enjoy typing with him so far...he is very funny and seems pretty smart too. Very self effacing and sincerely interested in getting to know me. Kinda of a nerd and that is a good thing. I am so much a female nerd, it isn't even funny. Last night, I discovered:

• He doesn't drink

): I like a drink now and then...

• He likes Star Trek

(: Nerds Unite!

• He goes to the mall a lot

): I hate the mall!

• He works as a retailer for grocery stores

(: Hooray! He's employed!

• He has never been married

/: Not sure if this is good or bad?

• He has no children

(: I really do not like OPK's (Other Peoples Kids)

• He has a funny sense of humor

(: So do I

• He is balding and has a nice smile

(: I really like bald guys..weird?

• He watches the news a lot

(: Someone needs to tell me things

• He lives with three other roommates

): No privacy...not good

• He remembers things I tell him

(: Everyone likes to be payed attention to

So...we are planning to actually (gasp!) Talk on the Phone together either tonight or tomorrow night....be still my heart. LOL

More on this later...maybe...unless he turns out to be strange...but probably even then

November--Is it Really Freakin' November???

It is hard to believe it is already November. The summer flew by and it is finally getting a little chilly here in DC.

Had an embarassing moment this weekend. Looking back at my earlier post about being so lonely must have carried through the weekend. While shopping on Saturday with Nick, apparently I was unconsciously touching him too much. Or maybe consciously and trying to fool myself. And it bugged him. At one point in Ikea, he said "We are going to have to get you laid" and when I looked at him questioningly, he said "You are touching me a lot today." and gave me one of his looks.

I gave him a sheepish look and said "Sorry. I'll stop." He said "I just don't like it." And I said "I know, Nick. Really. I know." And so I stopped. And it made me sad a little.

So I put a little more effort into meeting someone on my dating sites. Currently, I have a profile on:

• BBPeople.com
• eHarmony.com

I used to have an account with Alt.com, but I recently closed it. It scared me when that craigslist killer had a profile on the same site and was dating from it. SCARY. Not worth the risk. Sorry, I may like a little alternative lifestyle now and again, but it isn't worth my life. Sad that you can't ask someone to tie you up and hit you without attracting sickos...LOL. That makes me laugh. I have a wicked sense of humor.

The best number of contacts I have made has been with BBpeople.com. It's a mixed bag, but I get about 5 or so messages a week from people expressing interest. I immediately reject over half. A quarter I contact, but either they or I pull the plug. And the remaining 10% or less I actually go out on the first date. Lately, not much action but I had not been logging on and working it with the move, etc.

eHarmony pretty much sucks. Over 20 matches and over 15 rejection messages so far. Ego is bleeding with the wounds. I will most likely shut down that account too. I can only handle so much rejection...LOL

So I saw someone nice a week ago in a profile, and sent him a message. He replied back earlier this week with a note that said he was kinda, sorta interested but did I notice he was 4" shorter than I was? I replied back that yes, I notice that, but he wasn't intimidated by a 4" height difference, was he? Days went by and I thought I lost him, so I sent out one last message asking him if I lost him. He said he honestly didn't know if the height difference would bug him and he had to think about it...and now he has decided to give it a whilrl. So we talked on Sunday night for a few hours on YahooMessenger. He seems incredibly normal and fun. Chunky but cute...very nice smile and fun face, with male pattern baldness. Never married No children. It will be interesting to meeting him. We'll see.