2010...I'm Freaking Out, Man!

I am a little freaked out about the year 2010. It sounds like I am living in the future with floating hovercrafts and teleportation. Am I the only person who remembers looking forward to singing the Prince song "Party Like it's 1999" on New Year's eve? And how when that song came out in 1982 and I was graduating high school, the year 1999 seemed so far away? Blows my mind to think of 2010.

I think the freaked out part is that I am pretty much MIDDLE AGED now at 45. The reality is that I would be a blessed woman to live to be 90. My life is half over. Which means that when the calendar says 2045 or so I will most likely be dead or pretty close to it. And the world will still go on...and I will have been a extremely small, completely forgotton blip on the surface.

Wow. Have I depressed you enough yet?

This the time of year to take emotional and physical inventory. (You might want to go on to another blog...this might not be pretty)

GREAT Things:

I have a great job with a nice steady income I can live comfortably just about anywhere
I have three wonderful daughters who love me
I live in a nice, clean, attractive apartment
I am a relatively healthy person
I have good friends I can rely on
My mind is still sharp and works like I want it to
According to statistics, I am in the top 1% of the world for my quality of life
I have a father who loves me beyond all reason
I have a mother who loves me without a doubt
I have a sister who would be there for me in a minute
I have hobbies and interests and things that make me happy
I live in one of the most active, cultured city in the world
I have health insurance, and I can afford to have elective surgery to improve the quality of my life.
I am able to, ahem, get my needs met, if you know what I mean
I have a wonderful roommate that I am happy to live with everyday

Not So Great Things:

I am scheduled to have knee replacement surgery in February and I am scared to death
My blood pressure has become a little high (141/90) and I need to take it seriously
I need to lose weight
I do not have romantic love in my life
I have to take care of some legal stuff this year that I wish would just go away and take care of itself

Making this list is actually pretty helpful. I can see at a glance that I have WAY MORE great things than no so great. Wow. Here is wishing for another banner year then!

Where in the **Bleep** Did December go?

I think I fell in a hole or something. Because the last time I checked, it was the beginning of the month. And now, it is Christmas eve.

Here are the top Christmas Memories I have had in my life:

Christmas 1983: Rota, Spain. Mike (my late husband) and I just moved into a new apartment a few weeks prior. It was our first Christmas together. We didn't have a lot of money, but we were extremely happy. We walked through the streets that night, and found a store that sold radios. We both really wanted to listen to Christmas music. So we made what we called our "First Major Purchase" together and bought a transistor radio. We bought a bottle of Asti Spumante Champagne, and headed back to our new apartment. We had an old fashioned bathtub, large with claw feet. We filled it with water, got naked, and sat together, listening to the scratchy Christmas music on the radio, drinking the Asti right from the bottle (we did not own glasses yet) and passed it back and forth between us. We sang the songs out loud, and got a little drunk. It was the happiest Christmas I ever spent. Bar none. God Bless you, Michael. I loved you very much.

Christmas 1993?: This was the year my grandmother had open heart surgery a week prior to Christmas. Dard and I packed his red truck with our Christmas and we drove 6 hours on Christmas eve day to my grandmother's trailer in Clear Lake. She had just been discharged that day for home. The kids were cranky, Grace threw up on the way, and I was an emotional mess...but when I walked into her bedroom and saw her face and knew she was still alive, I was so happy to be there to celebrate the holiday with her. I have no memory of anything else that day, but seeing her, looking like shit, but still alive was enough for me. God Bless you, Dard, for helping me have that moment. I loved you very much.

Christmas 2007: This was the year I spent the holiday with Dane. After my separation and marital issues, and feeling so lonely and dispairing that anyone would ever love me again, having this time with Dane, his family and later my daughter Jessica was exactly what I needed to realize that life would go on. The snowy, slushy weather was beautiful to me, and Christmas day dinner at the Dim Sum restaurant in Seattle Washington was sufficiently different so that I did not have to think about the past. (And the night before at the Silver Cloud Inn on water in Tacoma was not so bad either....) Waking up Christmas morning, and bathing in the large bathtub with the glass windows all around was a memory for a lifetime. God Bless you, Dane, for being there when I needed you. I loved you very much.

This is my first Christmas since I was 18 and left for the Navy that I do not have any family around me on the holiday. How do I feel about this?

1. I feel relieved: For many years, I had anxiety and stress around Christmas. That horrible feeling that you will never please everyone...especially yourself. And I ended up being tired and cranky a lot. So, this year, I don't have to do that.

2. I feel guilty: There is a little part of me that feels bad that I will not be there to hug on my grandson, or be with my youngest as she celebrates her first adult christmas on her own. Or with my Father, who seems to be slowly declining in his late 60's....but this is a very small emotion...not hardly worth mentioning

3. I feel nostalgic: Christmas is chock full of memories. And songs that make me remember the great times I had...and resurrect the fear that I may never have them again. That the joy and the love that I experienced with my ex-husband and children is over and gone...forever. The song that I can't play right now that keeps running through my head is this one:

It's coming on Christmas
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer
And singing songs of joy and peace
Oh, I wish I had a river
I could skate away on
I wish I had a river so long
I would teach my feet to fly
Oh I wish I had a river
I could skate away on...

4. I feel nothing. I do not feel particularly Christmassy. Seriously. I really don't care much about this holiday. I sent gifts to my kids because I know that they still have the spirit, but I feel pretty blase about the whole thing. And that is okay.

I think that is pretty much my whole emotional inventory.

A Very Good Time

Last night, I had a very surprisingly great date with Michael. Michael is the guy I met at the Front Page bar when I was on the date with Anthony and I asked for his number. (Yes I was very bold, but he really was cute and I couldn't stop myself.) Told him he was "adorable". He seemed happily surprised and flattered, and gave me his number and took mine. That next day he called me, and we chatted about each other's lives. My assessment was that he was in a huge transition phase (ended a relationship 11 months ago, but she just had his one and only baby 12 months ago) and he is heartbroken to be away from his child. No car...no discernable life accomplishments. He is living in his brother's house, and working two okay jobs.) All of this smelled like trouble to me, so I told him let's just be friends, no pressure. He said he understood.

So over a week later, he calls me a few more times just to talk. Friendly...and fun. And I love his sexy voice. And then he invites me to come watch football with him and his friends. I hate football and I am honest with him about my complete lack of interest. But I tell him I will come after halftime and get to know him in his natural habitat. He laughs.

I arrive just exactly at halftime. His friends are very nice. We talk and laugh easily. He is extremely attractive to me. He and I are invited to go play Wii with some of what I thought were his friends...(but later I find out he just met those two gals that night!) The night is fun, but one of the girls, a younger, slightly thinner version of me hits on him big time. He seems to be oblivious, but later he tells me he clued in towards the end, but was not interested. We leave at about 930, and I offer to drive him home. He refuses and tells me he has a friend coming to get him. So we kiss (wow---EXCELLENT KISSES CAN I ADD?) So I leave, and go home. I get home about 10:00 and feel very odd about the evening. I know he liked me, but I had a wierd feeling towards the end. LIke he didn't find me appealing.

I change into my pajamas and as I am trying to talk to Nick about it and sort it out, my phone rings. It is him. He tells me his friend didn't show up and he was stranded for a while until the next bus comes to take him to the metro. He tells me he had a great time and he didn't want to stop kissing me. And says that I come and drive him to the metro, he promises to kiss me more.

I laugh and tell him of course, I will come get you. I get redressed. And I drive back to the place I left him.

New TV and Living with Nick...

Okay. It is official. I am part of the HDTV clan now. I finally broke down and bought myself not one, but two LCD TV's for my apartment.

Make: Apex

Model: 32" and 40" models...(not sure of number)

Place of Purchase: Target

Cost: 32" = $279.00 40" = $445.00 on Black Friday.

I really liked the 40" I bought last week, and Nick called me tonight with the news of a clearance sale on the last two 32" models. So I snapped it up. Now I will have good TV in the bedroom too! Hooray for me.

Because there are times in my life living with Nick that sitting in the living room area is not preferable. When is that, you ask? Well....

My Roommate Nick is gay. Actively gay...with the emphasis on active. And he is extremely open with me about his world, his love life and the LGBT community..(or at least the part he lives in...LOL) And it has been a fascinating, amusing and down right odd experience.

In order to get the full picture, you need to know a few things about gay men because many heterosexuals (or breeders, as they call us) think that there is only two kinds of gay men...the "man" gay and the "woman" gay. There are many different types and sub types of gay men...truly a full color of the rainbow. Just like in the hetero-world. First, there are three basic categories...Top, bottoms or Versatiles. You can read more about this in Scientific America article here: http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=gay-male-sex-roles Nick is a TOP with all capitals. And then within these three basic categories, there are the different sort of lifestyles...there are Bears, cubs, twinks, otters, leather boys, etc. and within those categories are the different race and culture groups. Yes, there is much to choose from. I have often teased Nick and told him that I if I die and am reincarnated, I want to come back as a gay male. They seem to have all the breaks. They usually have a higher income, are better educated and don't have to worry about pesky children getting in their way. And they get WAY MORE sex than the rest of us...trust me.

Anyway, Nick is a Dominant Top, with a love for leather, but refuses to call himself a bear or a cub. He prefers small latin bottom men, but occasionally strays from his type. In regards to Nick's appearance, it is not always apparent to others that he is gay. He is tall (6 feet tall) and large (size 38 pants...32 inseam) weight about 240 pounds. He has thinning brown hair, so he shaves his head most of the time completely bald. He has a dark brown goatee and mustache combo. He has piercing blue eyes that are icy blue instead of baby blue. Women are constantly attracted to him...he has a rugged large man look with the cleanliness and excellent fashion sense from being gay. According to Nick, he is not considered good looking in his world. Gay men, for the most part, like thin men, preferably athlethically trim or muscled. Fat gay men have a hard time. And it appears to be a young world (isn't it always?) and older gay men are not thought of highly. And Nick is pushing 30, with is almost ancient to him.

But still, Nick is a busy boy. Nick has his "visitors" 2 or 3 times a week, on average. (It is difficult for me to say exactly, because he works nights and I work days during the week...he may have more visitors when I am work and I would not know it) Most of the time, the visitors stay less than an hour. And many of them arrive and leave nameless to me...just a text line on my telephone "I have a visitor coming over in 30 minutes" and then "The visitors left". This is one thing I have insisted on...I must know if there is a stranger in my apartment. Even if I am sleeping, I want the page so I don't get startled or upset if I get up to get something to drink. And the few times I have had a "visitor" I give him the same courtesy. In the 9 months we have lived together, I would imagine about a 100 men have visited Nick. Wow. I just figured that out and wrote than here, and it still looks shocking to me. ONE HUNDRED. Holy Shit.

Anyways, sometimes it is just plain awkward to be sitting in my recliner in the living room, watching TV and knitting, when one of these short timer visitors arrive. The few times I stayed out there, it is almost funny to see the look on their face when they walk by and see "Mom" sitting there staring at them. I smile and say hello, and Nick always tells them who I am (This is my roommate) but doesn't always tell me who they are. I find out later that it is because he doesn't know their name either. They walk into Nick's room, and shut the door. A moment later I hear the Nick's music come on sort of loud (usually electronic dance music...his favorite CD to play during those moments is Chilling at the Playboy Mansion, which makes me laugh out loud to think of the irony) and then I ignore the situation, and continue to watch my show. In a shockingly short period of time, his door opens, and Nick exits first. A few moments later, the younger gentleman exits, head down, not making eye contact for his walk of shame...LOL. Somewhat amusing for me, but also sort of awkward. So if I can, I usually head for my room if I get the page when I am home.

Occasionally, Nick has "boyfriends" or real what I would call dates. These are nice young men who all seem so quiet who Nick invites over to watch a DVD or to listen to music. These dates are much longer, most of an afternoon or sometimes overnight. Nick never entertains in the main living area. Only once, when he had a longer relationship with a man named JoJo did he bring JoJo out of the bedroom and allow him to interact with me. That was nice, actually. I liked getting to know JoJo. But I missed him when Nick broke up with him. So maybe it is best if I don't get attached.

All of this is the reason why I am glad to have a better TV in my room. As you can see, I need it.